Family friendly jokes

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Doc Dan
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#821

Post by Doc Dan »

Two billionaire friends meet. After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks: “So, how’s your home life?”

“Couldn’t be better! I bought an elephant!” the other says.

The other guy looks at him astonished. “An elephant? Have you gone mad?”

The guy replies, smiling, “Oh, man, let me tell you, it’s the best purchase in my life! He’s grazing on the lawn, making it nice and even. Kids love him! Always riding his back and sliding down his trunk, keeps them outside instead of in front of the screen all day. My wife loves him too! He’s super strong, helps her with moving things around when I’m not home. And let me tell you, the best thing is: it’s kind and smart – the best pet I’ve ever had!”

The other billionaire scratches his chin. “Yeah, that sounds … kind of amazing actually! How much did you pay for him?”

“A million bucks! Worth every penny, it’s a steal at this price.”

“Sell him to me for two million?” the other billionaire says.

“No! What are you saying? Sell him? His like family!”

“Three million!”

“I don’t know … You really can’t put a price on this kind of friendship and usefulness!”

“All right, five million!”

“Five million? Well, okay, I’ll sell him to you, but only because we’re friends.”

In a few weeks the two billionaires meet up again. The guy who bought the elephant is angry. As soon as he sees the other guy, he starts yelling:

“What the **** did you sell to me? Not only does he not graze the lawn, he completely destroyed all my greenery and trees! There’s elephant dung everywhere, it smells even inside the house! And what was that about kids? They are terrified of the thing; it’s aggressive and massive and scary! I cannot sleep because he trumpets all the time. My wife has been having nightmares, and now I won’t hear the end of her bickering until I die! It’s awful! The worst purchase in my life!”

The other billionaire looks at him and says:

“Well, I don’t know what to say. With that attitude, you’ll never sell an elephant!”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#822

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Re: Family friendly jokes

#823

Post by Doc Dan »

A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

When he reached his driveway, there was the cat.

He kept taking the cat further and further away, but the cat would always beat him home.

One day he decided to drive hundreds of kilometres away. He drove out of town, through the desert and into the next state until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home. He let the cat out and headed back.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Honey, is the cat there?”

“Yes,” the wife answers. “Why do you ask?”

“Put him on the phone,” the man replies. “I’m lost and need directions.”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#824

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MacLaren
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#825

Post by MacLaren »

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Re: Family friendly jokes

#826

Post by The Meat man »

Doc Dan wrote:
Sun Sep 12, 2021 11:55 pm
A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

When he reached his driveway, there was the cat.

He kept taking the cat further and further away, but the cat would always beat him home.

One day he decided to drive hundreds of kilometres away. He drove out of town, through the desert and into the next state until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home. He let the cat out and headed back.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Honey, is the cat there?”

“Yes,” the wife answers. “Why do you ask?”

“Put him on the phone,” the man replies. “I’m lost and need directions.”
Hahaa! :D
- Connor

"What is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?"
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#827

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Re: Family friendly jokes

#828

Post by Doc Dan »

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I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#829

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Re: Family friendly jokes

#830

Post by Doc Dan »

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I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#831

Post by Doc Dan »

Dear Son, I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left.
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved.
Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or girls so dont know if you are an Aunt or Uncle???
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned.
We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup.
One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety.
The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down.
Not much more news this time.
Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
Love, Mom
P.S. - I was going to send you some spending money, but I had already sealed the envelope and mailed it.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#832

Post by Doc Dan »

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He’d stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his best friend’s sister. I was appalled. As the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#833

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A woman on her death bed was speaking to her husband.

“Bill,” she said, “we’ve been through so much together. Do you remember when our shop burned down and we lost everything of value we had in the world? We had to start over from nothing, but you were by my side.”

Her husband replied, “Yes, I remember.”

“Bill,” she continued, “when our daughter was killed in that terrible car accident, I was heartbroken — still am — and I didn’t think I could go on living without her. But you were there, by my side.”

Her husband began to cry softly. “I know, Dear.”

“And now,” the woman went on, “I am about to leave this world. In my final moments, where are you?”

Her husband sobbed, “I’m right here, by your side, my love.”

“Bill,” the woman said, “I’m beginning to think you might be bad luck.”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#834

Post by Doc Dan »

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I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#835

Post by Doc Dan »

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I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#836

Post by Doc Dan »

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher ... and that is a good thing for any man. - Socrates

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. - Homer Simpson

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. - A. Whitney Brown

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one? - Bob Monkhouse

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty. - Imelda Marcos

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. - Walt Disney

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president. - Hillary Clinton.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. - Bertrand Russell

Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination. - Christopher Isherwoo

I never think of the future - it comes soon enough. - Albert Einstein

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. - Samuel Goldwyn

I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli. - George Bush.

Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind. -- General William Westmoreland

I like marriage. The idea. - Toni Morrison

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter).
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#837

Post by Doc Dan »

The lion’s birthday is coming up and he wants entertainment. He tells the zebra to find the funniest animal in the whole kingdom. In order to do this the zebra decides to hold a competition in which animals will have to compete in front of a judge. Whoever the first one is to make the judge laugh wins and will perform for the lion.

The first thing the zebra does is look for the most serious animal. He walks up to a tortoise and asks, “Hey tortoise, I’m holding a competition and all you have to do is sit there and laugh if you find an animal to be funny. Will you do it?”

The tortoise responds, “… Yes.”

The day of the competition arrives and all the animals have gathered to compete. Since this is for the lion, the zebra decides to raise the stakes to ensure every animal delivers their full potential. He says, “Animals, your goal is to make the tortoise laugh. If you are able to do so, you win and get to perform for the lion. If you fail to make the tortoise laugh, then you will become the lion’s meal.”

The competition begins and up first is the monkey. He jumps from tree to tree, does flips and makes funny noises. The zebra becomes pleased and looks at the tortoise and asks what he thinks, but the tortoise says nothing. Since there is no reaction from the judge, the monkey is taken away to be fed to the lion.

Up next is the ostrich. He runs around in circles and is moving his long neck. He jumps and does funny moves. The zebra is once again pleased and turns to see the reaction of the tortoise, but there is none. There’s nothing the zebra can do and they have the ostrich taken away.

This pattern goes on and the zebra becomes worried that they won’t have someone for the lion’s party. Suddenly, the next animal approaches, the hippopotamus. The zebra knows that he won’t be able to perform any fun tricks and just as he’s about to have him taken away, he hears a chuckle from the tortoise. That chuckle turns into a full blown roar of laughter.

The zebra is bewildered and asks the tortoise, “Hey what’s so funny? He hasn’t done anything! He is literally just standing there!”

The tortoise responds, “Ha! Ha! That monkey was hilarious!”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#838

Post by Doc Dan »

Johnny Smith was up for a big award. He had been turned down for a lot of jobs, especially sales jobs, because he had a cleft palate and did not talk plain. Finally a tooth brush company hired him and soon he was breaking all of their sales records. He sold so many tooth brushes the owner of the company invited him to a board meeting to demonstrate his sales skills.

Johnny passed around a tube of paste and asked everyone to taste it. "Oooo, this tastes like dog poo!" said the owner.

"It is dog poo. Do you wanna buy a tooth brush?" said Johnny.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#839

Post by ThomC »

MacLaren wrote:
Tue Sep 14, 2021 9:06 am
Whoa, thanks I hadn't laughed that hard in weeks xD
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#840

Post by MacLaren »

ThomC wrote:
Wed Oct 13, 2021 3:46 pm
MacLaren wrote:
Tue Sep 14, 2021 9:06 am
Whoa, thanks I hadn't laughed that hard in weeks xD
Hehehe...your welcome bro.
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