Family friendly jokes

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Re: Family friendly jokes

#801

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Brenda and Terry were heading out for the evening.

The last thing they do is put their cat outside.

Their taxi arrives and, as the couple walk out of the house, the cat scoots back in. Terry returns inside to chase it out.

Brenda, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explains to the taxi driver, “My husband is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

Several minutes later, an exhausted Terry arrives and climbs back into the taxi saying, “Sorry I took so long, the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger several times before I could get her to come out!”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#802

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WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

Plato: For the greater good.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken’s dominion maintained.

Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.

Thomas de Torquemada: Give me 10 minutes with the chicken and I’ll find out.

Timothy Leary: Because that’s the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

Douglas Adams: Forty-two.

Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the road, the road gazes across you.

Oliver North: National Security was at stake.

B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of “crossing” was encoded into the objects “chicken” and “road”, and circumstances came into being which caused the actualisation of this potential occurrence.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Aristotle: To actualise its potential.

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.

Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. A historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homosapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.

Salvador Dali: The Fish.

Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.

Epicurus: For fun.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn’t cross the road; it transcended it.

Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen principle made it do it.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#803

Post by z4vdBt »

You know why the chicken crossed the road? Because the road crossed the chicken.

[ Delroy Lindo, Heist (2001) ]
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#804

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Re: Family friendly jokes

#805

Post by The Meat man »

kwakster wrote:
Tue Aug 03, 2021 1:52 am
How to speak Bidenese: https://www.youtube.com/embed/3HmFnp-jgfw
Lol. :rofl
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#806

Post by Doc Dan »

Oh no! Hahahaha! :zany
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#807

Post by SkullBouncer »

Why did the Frog cross the road?

It was Stapled to the chicken.

SB / Bruce :cheap-sunglasses :cheap-sunglasses
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#808

Post by Doc Dan »

During lunch at work, a man ate three plates of beans.

When he arrived home, his wife seemed excited to see him and exclaimed delightedly, “Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight.”

She then blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the dinner table. He took a seat and just as she was about to remove her husband’s blindfold, the telephone rang. The wife made him promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned, and went to answer the call.

The beans the man had consumed were still affecting him and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while his wife was out of the room he seized the opportunity, shifted his weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud but it smelled like a fertiliser truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump!

He took his napkin from his lap and fanned the air around him vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, he ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping his ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, the man went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable!

Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of his freedom, so he quickly fanned the air a few more times with his napkin, placed it on his lap and folded his hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with himself. The man’s face must have been the picture of innocence when his wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked if he had peaked through the blindfold, and her husband assured her he had not.

At this point, she removed the blindfold, and 12 dinner guests seated around the table with their hands to their noses chorused, “happy birthday!”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#809

Post by Doc Dan »

Rupert and Elaine, a young couple, got married and went happily on their honeymoon. When they got back, Elaine immediately telephoned her mother, who asked how the honeymoon was.

“Oh, Ma,” Elaine replied. “The honeymoon was wonderful. It was so romantic.” Then she burst out crying. “But, Ma, as soon as we returned home, Rupert started using the most ghastly language… saying things I’ve never heard before! I mean, all these awful four-letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me home. I can’t be in a marriage like this! Please Ma!” Elaine begged.

“Calm down, Elaine!” said her mother. “Tell me, what could be so awful? What four-letter words?”

Still sobbing, Elaine whispered, “Oh Ma, words like ‘dust’, ‘wash’, ‘cook’ and ‘iron’.”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#810

Post by Doc Dan »

A man who was recently married, flew to Townsville, north Queensland, for a business trip.

His new bride was to accompany him the next day.

When he arrived, he emailed his wife to let her know he had made it safely, but he mistyped the email address.

In Boston, a grieving widow, whose husband had recently passed away, received the email. She read it, screamed and fainted.

Hearing her grandmother’s cry, the widow’s 18-year-old granddaughter ran into the living room to see the computer on, with a message that read: “Dear love, I just got here. Preparing for your arrival tomorrow. Can’t wait to see you. Love, Me. P.S. Sure is hot down here.”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#811

Post by Doc Dan »

Image
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#812

Post by Doc Dan »

The members of the newly-formed Justice League were introducing themselves to each other.

“I’m Superman; I can fly, move at super speed, and have super strength.”

“I’m Batman; I’m the world’s greatest detective, master of many martial arts, and have gadgets that can do almost anything.”

“I’m Green Lantern; my emerald bling can create constructs of anything I can imagine.”

“I’m Wonder Woman; I have super strength, can move at super speed, and have a lasso that compels people to tell the truth.”

“I’m the Flash; I can move at super speed, phase through solid objects, and even travel through time.”

“I’m Aquaman; I’m super strong and can communicate with aquatic creatures.”

“I’m Green Arrow; I tell cars when to turn left.”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#813

Post by Doc Dan »

It was a cold winter’s day when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line.

It only took about a minute and wham! A Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish. The old man couldn’t believe it but figured it was just luck. But the boy dropped in his line and within just a few minutes pulled in another one.

This went on and on until finally the old man couldn’t take it any more. He went to the boy and said, “Son, I’ve been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?”

The boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.”

“What was that?” the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm.”

“Look,” said the old man, “I can’t understand a word you are saying!”

So, the boy spat into his hand and said, “You have to keep the worms warm!”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#814

Post by Doc Dan »

There's a new COVID-19 test.

Take a beer and pour it into a glass.
Smell the beer.
Drink some of the beer.

If you can smell the beer and taste the beer you do not have COVID-19.

Repeat often to make sure.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#815

Post by Doc Dan »

These notes are from an inexperienced chilli taster named Bruce, who was visiting Texas in the United States.

BRUCE: Recently I was honoured to be selected to be a judge at a chilli cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also, the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chilli wouldn’t be all that spicy, and they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you’re an internet writer and are therefore known and adored by all. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chilli 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
BRUCE: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it! Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chilli 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chilli

JUDGE ONE: Smokey (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting barbecue flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
BRUCE: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will not pick a fight with her.

Chilli 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
BRUCE: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill! My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her ‘Sally’. Probably behind her back they call her ‘Forklift’.

Chilli 4: Bubba’s Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
BRUCE: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn’t have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me, her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled — it’s kinda cute.

Chilli 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chilli. Freshly ground cayenne peppers add considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chilli using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
BRUCE: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chilli 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
BRUCE: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

Chilli 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chilli

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho hum. Tastes as if the chef threw in canned chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am a bit worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
BRUCE: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn’t feel it. I’ve lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chilli, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they’ll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it’s too late. Tell our children I’m sorry I was not there to conceive them. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful and I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I’ve found a super nova on my tongue.

Chilli 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chilli

JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chilli, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chilli pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice chilli, safe for all, not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
BRUCE: Mamma?
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#816

Post by The Meat man »

Haha!! :rofl
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#817

Post by Doc Dan »

Two men are seated next to each other on a train. One of the men pulls out his phone to show the other man a picture of his girlfriend.

“It’s she beautiful?” he asks.

The second man response, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my wife!”

“Oh really? Is she a stunner too?” the first man asks.

“Nah Mate, she’s an optician.”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#818

Post by Doc Dan »

A woman bursts out of her doctor’s examining room screaming. She had just been told that she was pregnant.

Another doctor in the hospital stops her and asks her what the problem is. She tells the doctor, who gets her to sit down.

This doctor marches down the hall to his colleague’s office, hoping to get an explanation.

“What are you playing at? Mrs Jones is 60 years old. She had six grown children, and nine grandchildren. Her husband passed away two years ago. Why did you tell her she was pregnant?” the doctor demanded from his colleague.

The doctor barely looked up from the notes he was writing. “Tell me,” he said, “Does Mrs Jones still have the hiccups?”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#819

Post by Doc Dan »

A doctor starts up a practice and decides to challenge himself, so he puts out a sign: "I'll cure any sickness for only $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $500!"
A lawyer sees the sign out front and decides this would be some easy fast cash so he goes in to see the doctor.

"Doctor I cant taste anything!"

Doctor says "nurse go grab vial 43!", she brings it and he puts two drops on the lawyer's tongue.

The lawyer quickly spits it out and says "UGH that's gasoline!"

Doc gets his $100.

Lawyer comes back the next day to try again, and claims he has lost his memory.

Doc says "No problem, nurse bring me vial 43!"

Lawyer says "But that's the gasoline!!".

Doc happily takes his $100, and lawyer walks out quite frustrated.

Finally on the third day the lawyer thinks he has the solution. Goes in and tells the Doc he has lost his sight.

Doc ponders a second and finally let's out a sigh. He begrudgingly walks the lawyer out to the cash register and hands him five $1 bills.

Lawyer says, "Hey wait that's only $5!"

Doc smiles and says "That'll be $100."
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#820

Post by kwakster »

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