Family friendly jokes

If your topic has nothing to do with Spyderco, you can post it here.
User avatar
Doc Dan
Member
Posts: 8886
Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:25 am
Location: In a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity.

Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Thu May 14, 2020 5:47 am

😂
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

"Until we meet again, may the good Lord take a liking to you."
(Roy Rogers)


NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050

User avatar
legOFwhat?
Member
Posts: 1150
Joined: Mon Jul 09, 2018 5:58 am
Location: Kentucky; Earth

Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby legOFwhat? » Thu May 14, 2020 11:52 am

z4vdBt wrote:
Wed May 13, 2020 9:19 pm
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked - Are you okay?

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.

I'm okay I think.

Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.

That's nice of you, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that.

Oh come now, I'm a nurse. I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly.

I'm sure my wife won't like this.

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said - I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now.

Don't be silly. Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?

My guess is that she's still in the ditch.
:D Brilliant!
-Larry
Hebrews 13:6 So we may boldly say: “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?”

User avatar
SkullBouncer
Member
Posts: 724
Joined: Tue Apr 06, 2010 4:44 pm
Location: Denver, Colorado USA

Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby SkullBouncer » Thu May 14, 2020 1:29 pm

HAHAHAHA!!

User avatar
legOFwhat?
Member
Posts: 1150
Joined: Mon Jul 09, 2018 5:58 am
Location: Kentucky; Earth

Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby legOFwhat? » Sat May 16, 2020 10:40 am

Did you know Athenians hate mornings because Dawn is tough on Greece?
-Larry
Hebrews 13:6 So we may boldly say: “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?”

User avatar
bearrowland
Member
Posts: 1853
Joined: Thu Jul 19, 2018 8:59 pm
Location: Central Pennsylvania

Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby bearrowland » Sat May 16, 2020 3:03 pm

👍👍😂
Barry
:spyder: :spyder: :spyder:

For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two edged sword

Do what you can, where you are, with what you have! Theodore Roosevelt

User avatar
Doc Dan
Member
Posts: 8886
Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:25 am
Location: In a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity.

Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Sun May 17, 2020 8:52 am

A guy is golfing by himself and shanks a ball hard. He starts cursing at the top of his voice.

St Peter hears him and asks God: “Aren’t you going to do anything about that?”

God says: “Of course”.

The next hole is a long par five over water ending in a dogleg. The guy tees up and crushes the ball. It hits the water but just as it does, a turtle surfaces. The ball bounces off the turtle’s shell and gets another hundred yards.


Just as it’s about to stop rolling, it hits a hill and rolls all the way to the green, and falls in the hole. His first-ever hole-in-one, and what an amazing one at that!

St Peter, astonished says: “You call that punishment?”

God replies: “Yep. He can’t tell anyone. There was nobody around to see it so who’d believe him?”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

"Until we meet again, may the good Lord take a liking to you."
(Roy Rogers)


NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050

User avatar
Doc Dan
Member
Posts: 8886
Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:25 am
Location: In a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity.

Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Sun May 17, 2020 8:56 am

A man was in big trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really angry. She told him: “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds, no questions asked!”

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.


He’s expected to make a full recovery after the swelling goes down.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

"Until we meet again, may the good Lord take a liking to you."
(Roy Rogers)


NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050

kiwisailor
Member
Posts: 181
Joined: Thu Oct 16, 2014 10:26 pm
Location: Northern New Zealand

Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby kiwisailor » Mon May 18, 2020 9:32 pm

Unless of course, you’re Australian. In which case making fun of everyone is your “Patriotic Chore”. Ah, hahaha, ah, hahaha, ah, hahaha!

To that end ... How do Kiwi’s find their sheep in long grass?

Delightful! :rolleyes:
[/quote]
Sorry, only just saw this. Have been away, so many blondes, so little time.... :rolleyes:

User avatar
Doc Dan
Member
Posts: 8886
Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:25 am
Location: In a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity.

Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Wed May 20, 2020 8:59 am

Four guys were at a campsite. They had to bunk two to a room but no one wanted to share with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept in the same cabin as Daryl, and came to breakfast the next morning with messy hair and bloodshot eyes. The other two said: “Man, what happened to you?”

“Daryl snored so loudly,” he replied. “I just sat up and watched him all night”.

The next night, it was the second guy’s turn. In the morning the same thing happened, he appeared hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.


The other two said: “Man what happened to you? You look awful!”

He said: “Man that Daryl shakes the roof. I couldn’t do anything but sit up and watch him all night”.

The third night was Rich’s turn. Rich was a big burly ex-football player, a man’s man.

The next morning he came to breakfast, bright-eyed and bushy tailed. “Good morning,” he said. The other two couldn’t believe it-he looked rested and wide awake.

They asked: “Man, what happened?”

He said: “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night.”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

"Until we meet again, may the good Lord take a liking to you."
(Roy Rogers)


NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050

User avatar
Doc Dan
Member
Posts: 8886
Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:25 am
Location: In a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity.

Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Sat May 23, 2020 12:16 am

There is a man, he is dying in his bed in his home.

He smells something amazing. It’s the smell of his favourite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed and goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years is cooking the beautiful cookies.

There are four of them on a plate, fresh out of the oven. And with his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies.

But his wife sees him, rushes over, slaps his hand and says: “No, they are for the funeral”.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

"Until we meet again, may the good Lord take a liking to you."
(Roy Rogers)


NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050

User avatar
Doc Dan
Member
Posts: 8886
Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:25 am
Location: In a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity.

Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Tue May 26, 2020 8:54 am

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players: “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?”

The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued. “When a strike is called, or you’re out at first, you don’t argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?”

Again the little boy nodded.

“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain it to your mother.”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

"Until we meet again, may the good Lord take a liking to you."
(Roy Rogers)


NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050

User avatar
z4vdBt
Member
Posts: 675
Joined: Fri Sep 12, 2014 9:42 pm
Location: U.S.A. Earth

Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby z4vdBt » Tue May 26, 2020 11:08 pm

Doc Dan wrote:
Tue May 26, 2020 8:54 am
Now go over there and explain it to your mother.
lol

:)

User avatar
Doc Dan
Member
Posts: 8886
Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:25 am
Location: In a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity.

Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Wed May 27, 2020 9:03 am

z4vdBt wrote:
Tue May 26, 2020 11:08 pm
Doc Dan wrote:
Tue May 26, 2020 8:54 am
Now go over there and explain it to your mother.
lol

:)
Your turn :D
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

"Until we meet again, may the good Lord take a liking to you."
(Roy Rogers)


NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050

User avatar
z4vdBt
Member
Posts: 675
Joined: Fri Sep 12, 2014 9:42 pm
Location: U.S.A. Earth

Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby z4vdBt » Thu May 28, 2020 2:43 am

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
► Show Spoiler

The Meat man
Member
Posts: 3681
Joined: Wed Jan 03, 2018 8:01 pm
Location: Missouri, USA

Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby The Meat man » Thu May 28, 2020 11:10 am

Why did the hipster fall through the ice?

Because he went skating before it was cool.
- Connor

"What is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?"

User avatar
Doc Dan
Member
Posts: 8886
Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:25 am
Location: In a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity.

Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Tue Jun 02, 2020 10:00 pm

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realised that she didn’t have any snails for the appetisers, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with a bucket to gather some snails.

Begrudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a pub just on the corner of the road.

He kept thinking to himself: “Maybe I should just stop in for one drink”. He went back to gathering the snails.

When he was done, he headed to the pub for a drink before going home. As he sat down, in walked his friend Dave. He and Dave had another round together, and another, and another until suddenly he looked at the time and exclaimed: “Oh no! My wife’s dinner party!”

He downed his drink, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he’s been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: “Come on guys, we’re almost there!”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

"Until we meet again, may the good Lord take a liking to you."
(Roy Rogers)


NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050

User avatar
Doc Dan
Member
Posts: 8886
Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:25 am
Location: In a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity.

Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Tue Jun 02, 2020 10:02 pm

I went to the doctor today and got some good news. I was afraid I was too fat, but it turns out I need to be taller.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

"Until we meet again, may the good Lord take a liking to you."
(Roy Rogers)


NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050

User avatar
z4vdBt
Member
Posts: 675
Joined: Fri Sep 12, 2014 9:42 pm
Location: U.S.A. Earth

Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby z4vdBt » Thu Jun 04, 2020 10:19 pm

A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.

Quickly, the new gorilla becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the Human-like gorilla. About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So,to get peoples attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror.

Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lions den. The man starts screaming help, help. The lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear - Shut up right now or you're going to get us both fired.

User avatar
Doc Dan
Member
Posts: 8886
Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:25 am
Location: In a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity.

Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Thu Jun 04, 2020 11:46 pm

z4vdBt wrote:
Thu Jun 04, 2020 10:19 pm
A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.

Quickly, the new gorilla becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the Human-like gorilla. About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So,to get peoples attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror.

Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lions den. The man starts screaming help, help. The lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear - Shut up right now or you're going to get us both fired.
Hahaha! funny! :D
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

"Until we meet again, may the good Lord take a liking to you."
(Roy Rogers)


NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050

User avatar
bearrowland
Member
Posts: 1853
Joined: Thu Jul 19, 2018 8:59 pm
Location: Central Pennsylvania

Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby bearrowland » Fri Jun 05, 2020 11:55 am

😂
Barry
:spyder: :spyder: :spyder:

For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two edged sword

Do what you can, where you are, with what you have! Theodore Roosevelt


Return to “Off-Topic”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 12 guests