Family friendly jokes

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Doc Dan
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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Fri May 01, 2020 11:44 pm

True! 🤣
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

"Until we meet again, may the good Lord take a liking to you."
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z4vdBt
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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby z4vdBt » Sat May 02, 2020 12:55 am

not a joke per se, but funny nonetheless.

1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May.

What was the third child's name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers.

What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer.

How is this possible?

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

8. What was the President's name in 1975?

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

********************************************

*Here are the Answers:* (No peeking!)

1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

Answer: Johnny, of course.

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Answer: Meat

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the
world?

Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very good at this are you?]


4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.


5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer: Incorrectly


6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere.


7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.


8. What was the President's name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now - Donald Trump


9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.


10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]


11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field,how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big
one.

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SkullBouncer
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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby SkullBouncer » Sat May 02, 2020 9:35 am

Hahaha -- pretty good!

I missed 5, 7 and 11-- was on my guard for the rest.

THANKS! :)

SB / BRUCE :cool: :cool:

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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby The Meat man » Sat May 02, 2020 11:12 am

Ha ha! Those are pretty good. I missed 7 and 8 but got the rest. :D
- Connor

"What is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?"

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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Mon May 04, 2020 7:57 am

I invented a new word: plagiarism.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

"Until we meet again, may the good Lord take a liking to you."
(Roy Rogers)


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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby z4vdBt » Mon May 04, 2020 9:56 pm

See if you can figure out what these seven words all have in common.

1. Banana
2. Dresser
3. Grammar
4. Potato
5. Revive
6. Uneven
7. Assess

Give it another try.

Look at each word carefully. You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer. This is so cool.

No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters.

Answer is below.

Answer:
In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word.

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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby SkullBouncer » Tue May 05, 2020 8:03 am

LOL it would've taken me a while to think of the last answer, thought I had the first (wrong one) but that would've been too easy.

Basically creating a palindrome by swapping each word's first letter to after its last.

Great Riddle! :) :)

-- SB / BRUCE :cool: :cool:

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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby SkullBouncer » Tue May 05, 2020 8:36 am

The longest palindrome of which I am aware:

A Man A Plan A Canal Panama

;) :D

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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby The Meat man » Tue May 05, 2020 11:25 am

SkullBouncer wrote:
Tue May 05, 2020 8:36 am
The longest palindrome of which I am aware:


;) :D
Here's one for you :

"Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts."

10/10 for length, 1/10 for making sense. :D
- Connor

"What is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?"

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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Thu May 07, 2020 9:42 am

I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food.

I don't even know where tacos live.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

"Until we meet again, may the good Lord take a liking to you."
(Roy Rogers)


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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Thu May 07, 2020 9:44 am

One fine day, brave Captain Smith and his crew of sailors were sailing the ocean blue.

Suddenly, on the horizon, there loomed a ship with a skull and crossbones raised on the mast.

The crew was frantic, seeking refuge and asking the captain what to do.

Brave Captain Smith looked at the approaching ship for a moment and said: “Bring me my red shirt”.


The call was taken up at once by a cabin boy. As soon as Captain Smith had the shirt in his possession, he ordered the man at the wheel to head straight for the pirate ship. In the ensuing fight, the pirate ship was all but destroyed.

The sailors were recounting their individual triumphs afterwards when someone asked Captain Smith why he had asked for his red shirt before the battle.

He responded: “If I was wounded, I did not want your confidence to wane. This way, you would keep fighting no matter what happened to me”.

The crew had a newfound admiration for its captain, and they talked all night about his bravery.

About a week later, there loomed on the horizon 10 pirate ships. Once again, the crew looked to its captain for leadership. Calmly, Captain Smith said: “Boys, bring me my brown pants!”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

"Until we meet again, may the good Lord take a liking to you."
(Roy Rogers)


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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Thu May 07, 2020 9:46 am

Little 8-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: “What are you doing there, Nancy?”

“My goldfish died,” Nancy sobbed. “And I’ve just buried him.”

The obnoxious neighbour laughed and said condescendingly: “That’s a really big hole for a little goldfish, don’t you think?”


Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

"Until we meet again, may the good Lord take a liking to you."
(Roy Rogers)


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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby SkullBouncer » Thu May 07, 2020 4:23 pm

Hahaha -- Right On :) :)

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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby z4vdBt » Sun May 10, 2020 2:11 am

Nancy taking care of business.

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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby bearrowland » Sun May 10, 2020 7:30 am

Way to go Nancy!
Barry
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Do what you can, where you are, with what you have! Theodore Roosevelt

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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby z4vdBt » Mon May 11, 2020 10:30 am

What?

Doesn't he go around autographing light bulbs?

Who?

Watt.

What?

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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Mon May 11, 2020 10:47 pm

A man decided it was time to purchase a new saw to help clear his heavily timbered property. A salesman showed him the latest model chainsaw and assured him that he could easily cut three or four cords of wood per day with it.

But the first day, the man barely cut one cord of wood. The second morning he arose an hour earlier and managed to cut a little over one cord. The third day he got up even earlier but only managed to achieve a total of one and a half cords of wood.

He returned the saw to the store the next day and explained the situation.

“Well,” said the salesman. “Let’s see what’s the matter.” He then pulled the cable and the chain saw sprang into action.

Leaping back, the man shouted: “What the heck is that noise?”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

"Until we meet again, may the good Lord take a liking to you."
(Roy Rogers)


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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby z4vdBt » Tue May 12, 2020 2:48 am

What did the zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.


Anthony Bourdain, A Cook's tour, Season 1 Ep 17 Amazon Prime

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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby bearrowland » Tue May 12, 2020 8:54 am

Reminds me of the novice motorcycle owner that couldn't get his new bike to start. Tore down the engine to see what was wrong, and discovered in the collection of parts the closed fuel shutoff valve.
Barry
:spyder: :spyder: :spyder:

For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two edged sword

Do what you can, where you are, with what you have! Theodore Roosevelt

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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby z4vdBt » Wed May 13, 2020 9:19 pm

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked - Are you okay?

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.

I'm okay I think.

Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.

That's nice of you, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that.

Oh come now, I'm a nurse. I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly.

I'm sure my wife won't like this.

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said - I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now.

Don't be silly. Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?

My guess is that she's still in the ditch.


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