Family friendly jokes
- Doc Dan
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Re: Family friendly jokes
True!
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
Re: Family friendly jokes
not a joke per se, but funny nonetheless.
1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May.
What was the third child's name?
2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers.
What does he weigh?
3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?
6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer.
How is this possible?
7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
8. What was the President's name in 1975?
9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?
********************************************
*Here are the Answers:* (No peeking!)
1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?
Answer: Johnny, of course.
2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?
Answer: Meat
3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the
world?
Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very good at this are you?]
4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.
5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?
Answer: Incorrectly
6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere.
7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.
8. What was the President's name in 1975?
Answer: Same as is it now - Donald Trump
9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.
10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field,how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?
Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big
one.
1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May.
What was the third child's name?
2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers.
What does he weigh?
3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?
6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer.
How is this possible?
7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
8. What was the President's name in 1975?
9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?
********************************************
*Here are the Answers:* (No peeking!)
1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?
Answer: Johnny, of course.
2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?
Answer: Meat
3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the
world?
Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very good at this are you?]
4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.
5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?
Answer: Incorrectly
6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere.
7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.
8. What was the President's name in 1975?
Answer: Same as is it now - Donald Trump
9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.
10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field,how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?
Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big
one.
- SkullBouncer
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- Posts: 873
- Joined: Tue Apr 06, 2010 4:44 pm
- Location: Denver, Colorado USA
Re: Family friendly jokes
Hahaha -- pretty good!
I missed 5, 7 and 11-- was on my guard for the rest.
THANKS! :)
SB / BRUCE :cool: :cool:
I missed 5, 7 and 11-- was on my guard for the rest.
THANKS! :)
SB / BRUCE :cool: :cool:
-
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- Location: Missouri, USA
Re: Family friendly jokes
Ha ha! Those are pretty good. I missed 7 and 8 but got the rest. :D
- Connor
"What is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?"
"What is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?"
- Doc Dan
- Member
- Posts: 14811
- Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:25 am
- Location: In a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity.
Re: Family friendly jokes
I invented a new word: plagiarism.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
Re: Family friendly jokes
See if you can figure out what these seven words all have in common.
1. Banana
2. Dresser
3. Grammar
4. Potato
5. Revive
6. Uneven
7. Assess
Give it another try.
Look at each word carefully. You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer. This is so cool.
No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters.
Answer is below.
Answer:
In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word.
1. Banana
2. Dresser
3. Grammar
4. Potato
5. Revive
6. Uneven
7. Assess
Give it another try.
Look at each word carefully. You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer. This is so cool.
No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters.
Answer is below.
Answer:
In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word.
- SkullBouncer
- Member
- Posts: 873
- Joined: Tue Apr 06, 2010 4:44 pm
- Location: Denver, Colorado USA
Re: Family friendly jokes
LOL it would've taken me a while to think of the last answer, thought I had the first (wrong one) but that would've been too easy.
Basically creating a palindrome by swapping each word's first letter to after its last.
Great Riddle! :) :)
-- SB / BRUCE :cool: :cool:
Basically creating a palindrome by swapping each word's first letter to after its last.
Great Riddle! :) :)
-- SB / BRUCE :cool: :cool:
- SkullBouncer
- Member
- Posts: 873
- Joined: Tue Apr 06, 2010 4:44 pm
- Location: Denver, Colorado USA
Re: Family friendly jokes
The longest palindrome of which I am aware:
:D
A Man A Plan A Canal Panama
:D
-
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- Location: Missouri, USA
Re: Family friendly jokes
Here's one for you :
"Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts."
10/10 for length, 1/10 for making sense. :D
- Connor
"What is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?"
"What is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?"
- Doc Dan
- Member
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- Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:25 am
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Re: Family friendly jokes
I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food.
I don't even know where tacos live.
I don't even know where tacos live.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
- Doc Dan
- Member
- Posts: 14811
- Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:25 am
- Location: In a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity.
Re: Family friendly jokes
One fine day, brave Captain Smith and his crew of sailors were sailing the ocean blue.
Suddenly, on the horizon, there loomed a ship with a skull and crossbones raised on the mast.
The crew was frantic, seeking refuge and asking the captain what to do.
Brave Captain Smith looked at the approaching ship for a moment and said: “Bring me my red shirt”.
The call was taken up at once by a cabin boy. As soon as Captain Smith had the shirt in his possession, he ordered the man at the wheel to head straight for the pirate ship. In the ensuing fight, the pirate ship was all but destroyed.
The sailors were recounting their individual triumphs afterwards when someone asked Captain Smith why he had asked for his red shirt before the battle.
He responded: “If I was wounded, I did not want your confidence to wane. This way, you would keep fighting no matter what happened to me”.
The crew had a newfound admiration for its captain, and they talked all night about his bravery.
About a week later, there loomed on the horizon 10 pirate ships. Once again, the crew looked to its captain for leadership. Calmly, Captain Smith said: “Boys, bring me my brown pants!”
Suddenly, on the horizon, there loomed a ship with a skull and crossbones raised on the mast.
The crew was frantic, seeking refuge and asking the captain what to do.
Brave Captain Smith looked at the approaching ship for a moment and said: “Bring me my red shirt”.
The call was taken up at once by a cabin boy. As soon as Captain Smith had the shirt in his possession, he ordered the man at the wheel to head straight for the pirate ship. In the ensuing fight, the pirate ship was all but destroyed.
The sailors were recounting their individual triumphs afterwards when someone asked Captain Smith why he had asked for his red shirt before the battle.
He responded: “If I was wounded, I did not want your confidence to wane. This way, you would keep fighting no matter what happened to me”.
The crew had a newfound admiration for its captain, and they talked all night about his bravery.
About a week later, there loomed on the horizon 10 pirate ships. Once again, the crew looked to its captain for leadership. Calmly, Captain Smith said: “Boys, bring me my brown pants!”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
- Doc Dan
- Member
- Posts: 14811
- Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:25 am
- Location: In a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity.
Re: Family friendly jokes
Little 8-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: “What are you doing there, Nancy?”
“My goldfish died,” Nancy sobbed. “And I’ve just buried him.”
The obnoxious neighbour laughed and said condescendingly: “That’s a really big hole for a little goldfish, don’t you think?”
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”
“My goldfish died,” Nancy sobbed. “And I’ve just buried him.”
The obnoxious neighbour laughed and said condescendingly: “That’s a really big hole for a little goldfish, don’t you think?”
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
- SkullBouncer
- Member
- Posts: 873
- Joined: Tue Apr 06, 2010 4:44 pm
- Location: Denver, Colorado USA
Re: Family friendly jokes
Hahaha -- Right On :) :)
Re: Family friendly jokes
Nancy taking care of business.
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- Location: Julian Pennsylvania USA Earth
Re: Family friendly jokes
Way to go Nancy!
Barry
Bonne Journey!
For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two edged sword
Do what you can, where you are, with what you have! Theodore Roosevelt
MNOSD member 0032
Bonne Journey!
For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two edged sword
Do what you can, where you are, with what you have! Theodore Roosevelt
MNOSD member 0032
Re: Family friendly jokes
What?
Doesn't he go around autographing light bulbs?
Who?
Watt.
What?
Doesn't he go around autographing light bulbs?
Who?
Watt.
What?
- Doc Dan
- Member
- Posts: 14811
- Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:25 am
- Location: In a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity.
Re: Family friendly jokes
A man decided it was time to purchase a new saw to help clear his heavily timbered property. A salesman showed him the latest model chainsaw and assured him that he could easily cut three or four cords of wood per day with it.
But the first day, the man barely cut one cord of wood. The second morning he arose an hour earlier and managed to cut a little over one cord. The third day he got up even earlier but only managed to achieve a total of one and a half cords of wood.
He returned the saw to the store the next day and explained the situation.
“Well,” said the salesman. “Let’s see what’s the matter.” He then pulled the cable and the chain saw sprang into action.
Leaping back, the man shouted: “What the heck is that noise?”
But the first day, the man barely cut one cord of wood. The second morning he arose an hour earlier and managed to cut a little over one cord. The third day he got up even earlier but only managed to achieve a total of one and a half cords of wood.
He returned the saw to the store the next day and explained the situation.
“Well,” said the salesman. “Let’s see what’s the matter.” He then pulled the cable and the chain saw sprang into action.
Leaping back, the man shouted: “What the heck is that noise?”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
Re: Family friendly jokes
What did the zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
Anthony Bourdain, A Cook's tour, Season 1 Ep 17 Amazon Prime
Make me one with everything.
Anthony Bourdain, A Cook's tour, Season 1 Ep 17 Amazon Prime
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- Location: Julian Pennsylvania USA Earth
Re: Family friendly jokes
Reminds me of the novice motorcycle owner that couldn't get his new bike to start. Tore down the engine to see what was wrong, and discovered in the collection of parts the closed fuel shutoff valve.
Barry
Bonne Journey!
For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two edged sword
Do what you can, where you are, with what you have! Theodore Roosevelt
MNOSD member 0032
Bonne Journey!
For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two edged sword
Do what you can, where you are, with what you have! Theodore Roosevelt
MNOSD member 0032
Re: Family friendly jokes
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked - Are you okay?
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.
I'm okay I think.
Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.
That's nice of you, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that.
Oh come now, I'm a nurse. I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly.
I'm sure my wife won't like this.
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said - I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now.
Don't be silly. Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?
My guess is that she's still in the ditch.
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.
I'm okay I think.
Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.
That's nice of you, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that.
Oh come now, I'm a nurse. I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly.
I'm sure my wife won't like this.
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said - I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now.
Don't be silly. Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?
My guess is that she's still in the ditch.