Family friendly jokes

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VashHash
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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby VashHash » Sat Apr 18, 2020 11:19 am

Doc Dan wrote:
Fri Apr 17, 2020 6:54 pm
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

“I have just the thing,” says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech: “And what if I swallow it?”

“No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”
Makes me glad I shave my own face.

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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby z4vdBt » Sun Apr 19, 2020 9:05 pm

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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Mon Apr 20, 2020 8:23 am

😆😆😆
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)


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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby kwakster » Tue Apr 21, 2020 10:01 am

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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby ThomC » Tue Apr 21, 2020 10:11 am

kwakster wrote:
Tue Apr 21, 2020 10:01 am
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That's my favourite type of joke. The one you read twice and laugh at the third time
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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Thu Apr 23, 2020 10:02 am

Three men walk into a car dealership. They tell the salesman that they would all like new cars. The salesman says that he will give them free cars if they can answer a simple question.

The men agree and the salesman asks the first guy: “Have you ever cheated on your wife?” The first guy says he has never cheated on his wife. The salesman then hands him the keys to a Ferrari.

The salesman asks the second guy the same question, and he admits that he has cheated once. The salesman then hands him the keys to an SUV.

The salesman asks the third guy: “Have you ever cheated on your wife?” The guy answers that he actually cheats on his wife twice a week. The salesman hands him the keys to a used minivan.

Suddenly the guy who was given a Ferrari starts crying. The other two ask him why he’s crying, since he was given the best car. He tells them that his wife told him to come to this dealership so that he too could get a free pair of roller skates.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)


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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Fri Apr 24, 2020 6:29 am

His name was Bubba, he was from Mississippi ... And he needed a loan, So ... he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International Redneck Festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000; and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the South for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from Ole Miss University, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)


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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Fri Apr 24, 2020 7:20 am

When my mother was 68 she started walking 5 miles a day. Now, she's 82 and we have no idea where she is.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)


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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby z4vdBt » Fri Apr 24, 2020 9:29 pm

A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $3.49.

A slice of pie in Barbados is $4.25.

A slice of pie in St. Lucia is $6.30.

A slice of pie in Jamaica is $2.75.

And there you have it.

The pie rates of the Caribbean.

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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Fri Apr 24, 2020 10:32 pm

Hahahahaha! :D :D Good one.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)


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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Bill1170 » Mon Apr 27, 2020 12:43 am

The Four Engineers

A car containing four engineers is driving along the road when the engine dies. Pulling over to the shoulder, the driver who is a mechanical engineer opines that the gas pedal linkage must have broken. His friend in the passenger seat, a chemical engineer, disagrees, saying “I think it’s bad gasoline.” The fellow behind the driver is an electrical engineer. His opinion is that the engine isn’t getting spark. Finally, the software engineer speaks up, “how about we all just get out of the car and then get back in?”

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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Mon Apr 27, 2020 9:51 pm

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down the street.

“But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”

“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But officer, I just wanted to say…”

“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said: “Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding so he’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)


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Doc Dan
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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Mon Apr 27, 2020 9:52 pm

“I hope you didn’t take it personally, Reverend,” an embarrassed woman said after a church service, “when my husband walked out during your sermon.”

“I did find it rather disconcerting,” the preacher replied.

“It’s not a reflection on you,” insisted the church-goer. “Ralph has been been walking in his sleep since childhood.”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)


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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Bloke » Tue Apr 28, 2020 1:03 am

kwakster wrote:
Tue Apr 21, 2020 10:01 am
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Soshal has a cousin, Gitupan Singh who frequented Karaoke bars. ;)
A day without laughter is a day wasted. ~ Charlie Chaplin

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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby bearrowland » Tue Apr 28, 2020 6:04 pm

😂
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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Wed Apr 29, 2020 12:46 am

And in the end mankind used so much toilet paper they wiped themselves out.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)


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Doc Dan
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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Fri May 01, 2020 12:21 am

One day during a criminal trial, an eminent psychologist was called to testify. A severe, no-nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair, unaware that its rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform.

“Will you state your name?” asked the district attorney. Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment.

Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.

“Well, doctor,” continued the district attorney without changing expression. “We could start with an easier question”.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)


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Doc Dan
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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Fri May 01, 2020 12:26 am

A man went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said. “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under … You gotta help me, I’m going crazy!”
“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“A hundred dollars per visit.”

“I’ll sleep on it,” said the man.

Six months later the doctor met the man on the street. “Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.

“For a hundred buck’s a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.”

“Is that so! How?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)


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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby z4vdBt » Fri May 01, 2020 3:47 am

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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby bearrowland » Fri May 01, 2020 6:56 pm

😂. I can honestly see that!!
Barry
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For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two edged sword

Do what you can, where you are, with what you have! Theodore Roosevelt


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