Family friendly jokes

[z4vdBt]

[bearrowland]

Tell me about it!

[Doc Dan]

A man had a bad cough. He accidentally took a laxative instead of cough syrup.

His wife asked him, "How is your cough? I haven't heard it at all today."

The man replied, "That's because I'm afraid to cough."

[Doc Dan]

An Irish girl goes back to her father’s farmhouse for New Year’s Eve. Her father asked: “Where have you been all this time? Why did you not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t you call?”

Crying, the girl replied: “Dad, I became a prostitute.”

“What!? Out of here you shameless harlot! You’re a disgrace to this family.”

“Okay, Dad. If that’s your wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $4 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for you Dad, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside, plus a membership to the country club and an invitation for you all to spend a fun New Years’ Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.”

“Now what was it ye said you had become, again?” asked the dad.

The girl, crying again, answered: “A prostitute, Dad!”

“Oh! You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a Protestant. Come here and give your old man a hug!”

[bearrowland]

That's fantastic!!

[bearrowland]

Have you heard about the new restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere!

[Doc Dan]

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

[z4vdBt]

What do you call it when you have a line of rabbits, and they all take a step backwards?

A receding hare line.

[z4vdBt]

^ mad cow

:D

[Doc Dan]

Oh no!

[Doc Dan]

A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer and, while he’s pouring it, the bartender asks: “So what’s the story with the leg?”

“Well it were many a year ago,” says the pirate. “I were walkin’ on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night.”

“That’s terrible,” says the bartender. “What about the hand?”

“Well it were the very next day,” says the pirate. “I were walkin’ on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night.”

“Wow,” says the bartender. “So what about the eye?”

“Well it were the very next day,” says the pirate. “I were walkin’ on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin’ out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye!”

“Oh man,” says the bartender. “And that blinded you?”

“Well no,” says the pirate. “But it were me first day with the hook.”

[Doc Dan]

The Park rangers were giving the required bear briefing and advising hikers and campers in national parks to be alert for bears and take extra precautions to avoid an encounter.

A ranger said, "You all need to wear little bells on your clothes so they make noise when hiking or moving about. The bell noise allows bears to hear you coming from a distance, so they won’t be startled by your accidentally sneaking up on them, which might cause a bear to charge."

Further, the visitors were told they should also carry a pepper spray can just in case they encounter a bear. "Spraying the pepper into the air will irritate the bear’s sensitive nose and it will run away", the ranger said.

"It is also a good idea to keep an eye out for fresh bear droppings so you have an idea if bears are in the area. People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear scat."

A man raised his hand and asked, "What does black bear poop look like?"

The ranger replied, "Black bear droppings are smaller and often contain berries, leaves, and possibly bits of fur."

A woman asked, "Then, how do we tell if it is grizzly bear poop?"

The ranger shrugged and said, "Grizzly bear droppings tend to contain small bells and smell of pepper spray."

[sok]

Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven ate nine.

____
An Irishman walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me three pints of Guinness, lad". The bartender obliges, and the Irishman lifts two of the three glasses to the air, as if toasting some invisible person. He then set them down, and finished all three glasses by sipping from one, then the next, and the next until they were empty.

Bartender, naturally curious, asks what's up.
"Oh, me two brothers all live about. Since we can't meet and have a pint together, we do it from afar like this."

This continues for a few more months, until finally, one day, the Irishman only orders two pints of Guinness. Bartender notices this and says solemnly, "Only two today? I'm sorry. Did one of your brothers pass away?"
"No, no, nothing of the sort. I've quit drinking!"

[Doc Dan]

Two mice had passed away and they got up to Saint Peter's Gate and they say to Saint Peter, It sure is big up here." Saint Peter gives them a pair a roller skates to get around on. A few days later two cats pass away and meet Saint Peter. He lets them through and a few days go by and Saint Peter see's the cats again and says, How you like it up here? They replied, "We're not sure yet, but your meals on wheels sure are great!"

[Doc Dan]

I just grilled a chicken.


But it still wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road.

[SkullBouncer]

Hahahaha NICE!! :p

=================================================================
SORRY LADY; YOUR DUCK IS DEAD:


A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so SURE?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and
also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its
haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"


The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, ...but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

SB / BRUCE :D

[SkullBouncer]

Accordions
====================================================================

An accordion player dude drives over to visit a friend who lives in a bad neighborhood.
He Parks the car, goes inside, hangs out for a bit. The friend asks:

"Did you bring your accordion with you?"

"Yes, it's out in the car."

"You didn't leave it visible, did you?"

"Yeah, it's sitting in the back seat"

"Oh no, quick, we better get out there!"

They run outside to the car and sure enough, they see a bunch of thugs running away,
the car window is broken, there's shattered glass all over the place....
....and now there's another accordion in the back seat. :eek:
====================================================================
-- SB :p

[SkullBouncer]

"C", "E flat", and "G" walk into a bar.
The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve minors here." :rolleyes: :D

=====================================================
-- BRUCE :)

[ThomC]

"C", "E flat", and "G" walk into a bar.
The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve minors here." :rolleyes: :D

=====================================================
-- BRUCE :)

Eh heh heh that's a good one ! On the same theme :

A drummer and a bass player decide to commit suicide togethee after a long string of bad events.
The drummer says : 'Okay, we'll jump on 3. Ready ? 1, 2, 3 !'
*splat*
*splat*

[Doc Dan]

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

“I have just the thing,” says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech: “And what if I swallow it?”

“No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”