Family friendly jokes

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Doc Dan
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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Wed Jan 08, 2020 8:09 am

All of his life Len from Canada had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they’d walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.
So when Len’s 21st birthday came around, he and his pal took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Len stepped out of the boat and almost drowned!

His friend just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Len went to see his grandmother. “Grandma, it’s my 21st birthday, so why can’t I walk across the lake, like my father, his father, and his father before him?”
Granny looked Len straight in the eyes, and said, “Because, you idiot, your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July.”
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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Wed Jan 08, 2020 8:13 am

A priest was heading to church when he saw there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
Not knowing who else to call, he promptly called the local police station, who said: “Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?”
“Hi, this is Father O’Malley. There’s a donkey lying dead right in the middle of my front lawn.”
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk: “Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!”
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment before Father O’Malley replied: “Ah, that is true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby TomAiello » Wed Jan 08, 2020 9:23 am

Doc Dan wrote:
Fri Aug 16, 2019 6:00 am
They say you can’t get a decent job without education. But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!
Yes, but his brother Frank was a monster.

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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby The Meat man » Wed Jan 08, 2020 5:16 pm

TomAiello wrote:
Wed Jan 08, 2020 9:23 am
Doc Dan wrote:
Fri Aug 16, 2019 6:00 am
They say you can’t get a decent job without education. But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!
Yes, but his brother Frank was a monster.
Ha ha! :D
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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Sat Jan 11, 2020 10:10 am

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby z4vdBt » Sat Jan 11, 2020 1:30 pm

lol.

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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby JonLeBlanc » Sat Jan 11, 2020 4:35 pm

How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?


It's a really obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.
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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Sat Jan 11, 2020 11:32 pm

JonLeBlanc wrote:
Sat Jan 11, 2020 4:35 pm
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?


It's a really obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.
Hahaha!
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

"Until we meet again, may the good Lord take a liking to you."
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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby z4vdBt » Sun Jan 12, 2020 3:06 am

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple's care. The husband puts their mind at ease, saying We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.

Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. This time the wife explains Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet. The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple - What age child are you hoping to adopt? The husband says - It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon.

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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Reject » Sun Jan 12, 2020 3:27 am

A new Pastor was giving his first sermon at his church. His was surprised to see a Priest and Rabbi sitting at the back of the church.

After the service the priest and Rabbi waited out side while Pastor spoke to all the church members. When introduced themselves and said they just come to welcome him to the area.

They asked if he like fishing, to which he replied that he did. So they invited him to come out with them on their weekly Wednesday fishing trip on the local lake.

Wednesday comes and they meet at the pier and climb in a row boat. The Priest and the Rabbi row the boat only about 100 feet to their favourite spot and put out the anchor.

The 3 are fishing and talking for awhile, but the day being fairly warm they all get a bit dry and thirsty. The Rabbi asks if the other 2 would like a cold soda, the other 2 except his offer. The Pastor not seeing anywhere the drinks could be on the boat, starts to take his line back in so they can head back to the pier.

The Rabbi stops him and then steps over the side of the boat and starts to walk on top of the water back to the shop near the pier. The Pastor is shocked. He was about to say something to Priest. But he was intently watching the bit he was getting on his rod and wasn’t acting like anything unusual had happened. So he didn’t say anything.

Before long the Pastor sees the Rabbi returning to the boat with 3 sodas in his hands, still walking on top of the water. He steps back into the boat and hands out the sodas. Neither the Rabbi nor the Priest acted as if anything unusual that happened, so the Pastor said nothing.

Sodas long gone and all were getting thirsty again. The Priest makes the same offer, which the other 2 except. He too steps out of the boat and walks on top of the water back to shop onshore. Moments later returns the same way, steps into the boat and hands out the sodas.

The Pastor is still in shock at what he has seen and has a sudden realization that his turn is coming. He tries to delay it as long as he can, but the weather is warm and he is already thirsty. He knew the other 2 would be feeling the same way. He could feel the Rabbi and Priest looking at him.

The Pastor knows he can not delay any longer. So he asks the question and after saying a silent prayer, steps over the side of the boat. The Pastor goes straight to the bottom of the lake and comes up gasping for air.

The Rabbi and Priest are watching this happen. Priest turns to the Rabbi and said “May be; we should have told him about the sandbar.)
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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Thu Jan 16, 2020 10:25 pm

A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship and ordered a Scotch with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said: “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it’s today.”

“Well, since it’s your birthday,” the bartender said. “This one’s on me.”

As the lady finished her drink, a woman to her right said: “I’d like to buy you a drink, too.”

“Thank you, how sweet of you,” she replied. “OK, then, bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.”

“Coming up,” said the bartender.

As she finished that drink, a man to her left said: “I’d like to buy you a drink too.”

The lady said: “Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I’ll have another Scotch with two drops of water.”

“Coming right up,” the bartender said.

As he gave her the drink, this time, he said: “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”

The old woman giggled, and replied: “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue.”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

"Until we meet again, may the good Lord take a liking to you."
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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby z4vdBt » Fri Jan 17, 2020 12:23 am

Back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days, and then the pioneers saw an old Norwegian sitting beneath a tree. Is there some place ahead where we can get food?

Vell, I tink so," the old man said, but I wouldn't go up dat hill und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree.

A bacon tree? asked the wagon train leader.

Yah, n bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I vouldn't go dere.

The leader goes back and tells his people what the Norwegian said.

So why did he say not to go there? a person asked.

Other pioneers said - Oh, you know those Norwegian people - they lie just for a joke.

So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack them from everywhere and massacre all except the leader who manages to escape and get back to the old Norwegian.

Near dead, the man shouts, You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your route, but there was no bacon tree, just hundreds of Indians who killed everyone but me.

The old Norwegian man holds up his hand and says, Uff Da, vait a minute. He quickly picks up an English- Norwegian dictionary and begins thumbing through it. Uff Da, I made such ah big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree, it vuz a ham bush!

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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby The Meat man » Fri Jan 17, 2020 6:18 am

Ha ha! :D
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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby SkullBouncer » Fri Jan 17, 2020 6:30 am

Hahaha Good Ones! :D :D

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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby z4vdBt » Sun Jan 19, 2020 12:00 am

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office oomph of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would like to portray, as long as they were very famous.

Well, started Stallone, I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him.

Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano. said Willis. I'll play him.

I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes, said Segal. I'd like to play him.

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. Sounds splendid. Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, Who do you want to be, Arnold?

So Arnold said I'll be Bach.

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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Sun Jan 19, 2020 8:54 am

Oh no! Hahaha!
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

"Until we meet again, may the good Lord take a liking to you."
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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby JuPaul » Sun Jan 19, 2020 9:23 am

z4vdBt wrote:
Sun Jan 19, 2020 12:00 am
Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office oomph of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would like to portray, as long as they were very famous.

Well, started Stallone, I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him.

Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano. said Willis. I'll play him.

I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes, said Segal. I'd like to play him.

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. Sounds splendid. Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, Who do you want to be, Arnold?

So Arnold said I'll be Bach.
😂 Love it.
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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby z4vdBt » Mon Jan 20, 2020 2:46 am

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something related to or associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pockets and finds mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a candy cane, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks - How do these represent Christmas?

The third man replied They're Carol's.

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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Bloke » Mon Jan 20, 2020 3:05 am

A bloke turns up uninvited to a fancy dress party, butt naked, piggy backing an equally naked woman.

The host is both amused and curious and asks, “What you two dressed as?”

Ole mate replies, “I’m a turtle and that’s Michelle”. :)
A day without laughter is a day wasted. ~ Charlie Chaplin

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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby ThomC » Mon Jan 20, 2020 4:39 am

Bloke wrote:
Mon Jan 20, 2020 3:05 am
A bloke turns up uninvited to a fancy dress party, butt naked, piggy backing an equally naked woman.

The host is both amused and curious and asks, “What you two dressed as?”

Ole mate replies, “I’m a turtle and that’s Michelle”. :)
Definitely did not get that one on the first read. Then I remembered you're an Aussie, and I laughed !
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