Family friendly jokes

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The Meat man
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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby The Meat man » Fri Oct 04, 2019 9:23 pm

Ha ha! That is a good one! :D
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Doc Dan
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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Sun Oct 06, 2019 10:47 pm

The Meat man wrote:
Fri Oct 04, 2019 9:23 pm
Ha ha! That is a good one! :D
Glad you liked it. Your turn.

And where is Bloke?
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standy99
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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby standy99 » Wed Oct 09, 2019 7:58 am

Bruce the Aussie builder was going through a house he had just built for the woman who owned it. She was telling him what colour to paint each room. They went into the first room and she said "I want this room to be painted a light blue."

The builder went to the front door and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!" When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red. The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

When he came back, the woman said "I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell 'green side up' - what is that for?" The builder said, "Don't worry about that, I've just got a couple of Kiwis laying the turf out front."
Im a vegetarian as technically cows are made of grass and water.

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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Bloke » Thu Oct 10, 2019 3:46 pm

Doc Dan wrote:
Sun Oct 06, 2019 10:47 pm
The Meat man wrote:
Fri Oct 04, 2019 9:23 pm
Ha ha! That is a good one! :D
Glad you liked it. Your turn.

And where is Bloke?
Hey Doc, I've been quietly chuckling to myself at your funny clean jokes. :cool:

Having spent the greater part of my working life on construction sites I have a fair repertoire of jokes, unfortunately I fear they're probably not what I should post here. :o

Here's a clean one that comes to mind: What did the baby chickens say when their mother laid on orange?

"Look at the egg that marmalade"! :rolleyes:
A day without laughter is a day wasted. ~ Charlie Chaplin

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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Sat Oct 12, 2019 4:37 am

Nurse: What happened to your fingers?
Me: You know those chefs who can cut up vegetable real fast?
Nurse: Yes
Me: I can't do that.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

"Until we meet again, may the good Lord take a liking to you."
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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Wed Oct 16, 2019 8:29 am

When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

"Until we meet again, may the good Lord take a liking to you."
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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Wed Oct 16, 2019 8:31 am

Husband brings the child home from kindergarten and asks his wife, "He’s been crying the whole way home. Isn’t he sick or something?"

"No," replies the wife, "he was just trying to tell you he isn’t our Frankie."
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

"Until we meet again, may the good Lord take a liking to you."
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legOFwhat?
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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby legOFwhat? » Wed Oct 16, 2019 11:21 am

What did the duck say when the waiter brought the check?

“Please put it on my bill.”

Apparently I only know duck jokes. :o
-Larry

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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Wed Oct 16, 2019 11:47 pm

legOFwhat? wrote:
Wed Oct 16, 2019 11:21 am
What did the duck say when the waiter brought the check?

“Please put it on my bill.”

Apparently I only know duck jokes. :o
Haha! That’s a real groaner.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Sat Oct 19, 2019 12:37 am

A farmer is overseeing his herd when suddenly a brand-new car appears out of a cloud of dust and starts advancing towards him.
The driver, a young man in a suit, leans out the window and asks the farmer: “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”
The farmer looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers: “Sure, why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his computer, connects it to his mobile phone, gets on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo on his computer and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a database through an Excel spreadsheet with email on his phone and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturised printer. He turns to the farmer and says: “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”
“That’s right,” says the farmer. “Well, I guess you can take one of my calves.”
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the he stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the farmer says to the young man: “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says: “Okay, why not?”
“You’re a politician,” says the farmer.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie. “But how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required,” answered the farmer. “You showed up here even though nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living, or about cows for that matter.
“This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

"Until we meet again, may the good Lord take a liking to you."
(Roy Rogers)


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z4vdBt
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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby z4vdBt » Mon Oct 21, 2019 3:42 am

:D

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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby VashHash » Mon Oct 21, 2019 8:01 am

That was a good one Doc.

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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Redman5006 » Tue Oct 22, 2019 5:40 am

What do you call a camel with no hump?


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Doc Dan
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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Wed Oct 23, 2019 8:54 am

Oh no! Hahaha :D
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

"Until we meet again, may the good Lord take a liking to you."
(Roy Rogers)


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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Tue Oct 29, 2019 6:04 am

A young woman said to her doctor: “You have to help me, I hurt all over.”
“What do you mean?” said the doctor.
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled: “Ow, that hurts.” Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled: “Ouch! That hurts, too.” Then she touched her right earlobe. “Ow, even that hurts.”

The doctor examined her for a moment before nodding in realisation. “Ah, I thought so,” said the doctor. “You have a sprained finger.”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

"Until we meet again, may the good Lord take a liking to you."
(Roy Rogers)


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SkullBouncer
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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby SkullBouncer » Tue Oct 29, 2019 11:10 am

LMAO!! That's a Good 'Un. :) :)

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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Thu Oct 31, 2019 8:25 pm

A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out with a caterer, a band and even a clown. Just before the party starts, two guys show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for them, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some firewood. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.
Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown suddenly calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself.

She happens to look out the window and sees one of the guys doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. She calls the other guy over and says: “What your friend is doing is absolutely marvellous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!”

“Well,” he responds, “I dunno… Let me ask him.” He turns around and yells at his friend: “Hey Willie! For $50 would you chop off another toe?!”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

"Until we meet again, may the good Lord take a liking to you."
(Roy Rogers)


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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby SkullBouncer » Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:52 am

You have a green ball in each hand.
What else do you have?

Kermit the Frog's Undivided Attention. :eek: :D




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The Meat man
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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby The Meat man » Fri Nov 01, 2019 11:48 am

Lol! :D
- Connor

Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me." (John 14:6)

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Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby prndltech » Sat Nov 02, 2019 11:28 am

How do you find will smith in the snow?

Look for fresh prints
The planter, the farmer, the mechanic, and the laborer... form the great body of the people of the United States, they are the bone and sinew of the country men who love liberty and desire nothing but equal rights and equal laws. - Andrew Jackson


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