Good Clean Jokes

[Doc Dan]

Hi folks, we can all use a laugh every now and then. Here is a thread on clean jokes. Please, no off color jokes or bad language as this is a family forum. :)

Here we go:

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you marry again?
HUSBAND: Definitely not!
W: Why not? Don't you like being married?
H: Of course I do.
W: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
H: Okay, I'd get married again.
W (with a hurtful look on her face): You would?
H: (Makes an audible groan.)
W: Would you live in our house?
H: Sure, it's a great house.
W: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
H: Where else would we sleep?
W: Would you let her drive my car?
H: Probably. It's almost new.
W: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
H: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
W: Would she use my golf clubs?
H: Of course not. She's left handed.

[demoncase]

How many husbands does it take to change a lightbulb?
None- Let her wash up in the dark.

Badumtish- I'm here all week- try the veal..... :D

[Doc Dan]

Bob left work one Friday evening.
But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

He replied, “That would be fine with me.”

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

[Bloke]

A bloke walked towards me on the street with his arms straight up in the air, carrying a long pole.

I watched him approach, but curiosity got the better of me and I asked "Are you a pole vaulter?" He stopped, looked puzzled and replied, "No, I'm a German, but how did you know my name?"

[Dr. Snubnose]

A Texas rancher goes to Australia (this ones for you Bloke!) and meets with an Australian rancher and says....How many head of Cattle do you have of this here ranch?...The rancher replies why we have about 500 head of cattle here.....the Texan says why back in Texas that's a BBQ.....How much land you got here? asks the Texan..The Australian rancher replies we got about a thousand acres of land here...The Texan says.... 1,000 acres of land...ha-ha why back in Texas...that's a Cabbage Patch.....right then and there a Kangaroo jumps through the fields and the Texan says "what the **** is that?""" and the Australian rancher says...."Well I guess you don't have any Grasshoppers in Texas!"......Doc:)

[Doc Dan]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

[paladin]

Turtle walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Ya got any grapes?"

Bartender says, "Get out of here you stupid turtle, this is a bar we don't have grapes on hand!"

An hour later, the turtle returns and asks the bartender, "Ya got any grapes?"

Annoyed, the bartender exclaims, "I've already told you, NO GRAPES!!! Get out and don't come back!"

Exactly an hour later the turtle returns, "Have ya gotten any grapes yet?"

Infuriated, the bartender yells at the turtle..."LISTEN BUDDY IF YOU ASK ME FOR GRAPES AGAIN, I'M GONNA NAIL YOUR STUBBY LITTLE LEGS TO THIS BAR...LEAVE NOW!!!!

Amazingly, the persistent turtle returns, and asks, "Have you got any nails?"

Gobsmacked, the bartender replies, "No, we certainly do not have nails!"

Then the little turtle says, "Do you have any grapes?"

[Bloke]

A bit like Snub's grasshopper! :D

This isn't a joke but, a funny true story that may highlight how the average Aussie views Americans. :p

I worked on hight rise building sites as a dogman and later as a a tower crane driver in the CBD of Sydney for 25 odd years. Anyhow, through the 80's drinking at lunch time was the norm and I'd been drinking with my mate Jonny Smith. We were on our way back to work when we came upon a mob of Yanks waiting to cross at a set of lights. Being Australians we nodded, "G'day, owyahgoan?" A big Yank told us they were interstate truckers that pushed 18 wheelers all over The States, out here on a convention.
Quick as a flash, Smithy a dry witted country boy chuckled, "Yeah?, we drive ours!" :confused:

Ah, hahaha! If those kooks saw our road trains with the last dog tracking wide and snaking up the road, there'd fall over! Ah, hahaha! :)

[Doc Dan]

An elderly man had a stroke and his family frantically drove him to the Emergency Room. After treating him, the doctor came out to the family wearing a long, sad face. He said, "I am afraid Grandpa is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating."
His wife cried out, "O dear God! We've never had a liberal in the family before!"

[Bugs]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers .. cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper.

and sssoooooooooooooooooo...........................

I figure if I have to roll my own.... so does she.

[chuck_roxas45]

A Chinese family of 5, named Chu, Bu, Hu, Su and Fu decided to immigrate to the United States.In order to get a visa, they have to Americanize their names.Chu became Chuck.Bu became Buck.Hu became Huck.Su and Fu decided to stay in China!

[Jazz]

What did the pirate say on his eightieth birthday?

"Aye matey!"

[Bloke]

Forty Cats and Blue, a couple of likely lads sat at a table at the local Bistro washing steak sandwiches down with beer and trying to catch the attention of a couple of good sorts at a table close by.
All of a sudden there’s a commotion and one good sort is on the floor gaging for air and chocking. The other good sort is frantic and screaming for help. Patrons have gathered, but no one seems to know what to do so Forty gets up, strolls over, picks up the good sort that’s chocking, turns her upside down, pulls down her pants, licks her bum, spins her right side up and stands her on her feet. The good sort is outraged and incensed and attacks poor ole Forty, raining blows to his head and kicks to his crutch, but soon realises she’s no longer chocking. The shock of what just happened dislodged the fish bone she was choking on. She ceases the attack, apologises profusely and thanks Forty for saving her life and even gives him a big kiss!

Forty’s a hero and struts back to his table and his mate Blue.

Blue looks him up and down with a big grin, cuts him a wink and says “I’ve heard of that Hind Lick Manoeuvre!” :rolleyes:

[Doc Dan]

Three men went to heaven and were stopped and questioned by St. Peter as to how they got there. The first man said, "I was certain my wife was cheating on me so I came home from work early and looked all around the house and did not find anyone. So, in a fit of rage I picked up the refrigerator and threw it out of the window. The exertion caused a heart attack and I died." The second man said, "I was walking down the sidewalk when suddenly a refrigerator fell on my head and killed me." St. Peter asked the third man, "And how did you happen to come here?" The man replied, "There I was standing in this refrigerator..."

[Dr. Snubnose]

A piece of string hops into a bar and sits down and asks the bartender for a scotch and soda....The bartender says we don't serve strings here....you'll have to leave. Dejected.... the piece of string leaves and is walking down the street when he meets a friend . The piece of string says hey...what does a guy have to do to get a drink in this town! Well....look at you says the friend, you look like **** no wonder you can't get served....here let me fix you up....he bends over and ties a knot at the top of the string and spreads out the top into an open fan shape. There says the friend...you look a lot better....So the piece of string hops back to the bar and takes a seat. He tells the bartender I'll have a scotch and soda....the bartender begins to pour his drink and asks...don't I know you?....Nope says the string never met you before.....the string takes a sip......the bartender starts to walk away but stops suddenly and says....Hey wait a minute....I know you!...You're that piece of string!!!!!......The string takes another sip and says.....Nope....I'm a Frayed Knot..... Doc:)

[Doc Dan]

OLD TESTAMENT COMPUTING

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.

He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth.

[Doc Dan]

A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."

[chuck_roxas45]

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?


Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn’t stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so “spicy” that I just laid down and told him “Take me, young man. Take me now!”

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: ****, no! He just yelled, “April Fools!” And that’s when I shot him, the little bastard.

[BTG]

A duck walks into a pharmacy, asks for a tube of chap stick, and says put it on my bill.....I know, old and silly...

[Bloke]

A duck walks into a pharmacy, asks for a tube of chap stick, and says put it on my bill.....I know, old and silly...

Ah, hahaha! You've got to love a dad joke! :)

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the barman, Can I have a ...., ah, ........ rum! The barman says, Sure, why the big paws? :rolleyes: