Family friendly jokes

[Doc Dan]

I had a malfunction on my first jump, but the only way I was aware of it was that I looked up.

Dang. That's terrifying. I've met some people who had malfunctions on their first jump, but it's very rare. I think my first malfunction requiring reserve activation was around 1500 skydives. On your first jump, you're so overwhelmed with anything that it's impressive you were able to recognize the malfunction at all. Nice work!

Military training. It was only after I cleared it that I realized I had done it automatically due to the training. I didn't have time to get scared and enjoyed the rest of the ride. Thankfully, we jumped the first one from 2500 feet, as I recall. After that was much lower.

[Doc Dan]

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long, it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around.

After fighting the fire for over an hour, the plant president approached the fire chief and said, “All our secret formulas are in a safe in the middle of plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the company that brings them out safely!”

As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, the plant president increased his offer to $100,000 to the company that could bring out the secret formulas.

From the distance, a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over-65. To everyone’s amazement, the fire truck raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

The other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off their truck and began to fight the fire with an effort they had never seen before. After an hour of intense fighting, the volunteers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

Overjoyed, the plant president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000. He walked over to personally thank each of the elderly volunteers. After thanking them, the president asked the volunteers what they planned on doing with the reward money,

The driver of the fire truck looked the president right in the eye and said, “The first we’re going to do is fix the brakes on this dang truck!”

[Doc Dan]

Find the Mistake:

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

The calmer you are the easier it is the fnid the mistake.

[Doc Dan]

*Edited

I was watching a show called "Ten Steps to Avoiding Shark Attack."

1. Swim with a buddy
2. Stay close to shore
3. Don’t swim at dawn or dusk
4. Don’t swim around schools of fish or where people are fishing
5. Avoid wearing jewelry
6. Avoid excess splashing
7. Maintain eye contact with the shark
8. Slowly move away, and if possible, exit the water
9. Hit shark in the eyes and gills
10. Hit the shark on the snout and push away

Why isn't "Stay out of the water" number 1?

[dsvirsky]

Exactly. Mr. Shark doesn't get in my bathtub and I stay out of his.

[Doc Dan]

I had a terrible night last night. I dreamt of something biting me on the neck.

I got up to check, but the mirror wasn’t working.

[Doc Dan]

Steve and Sarah accidentally ran over a rabbit with their car.

The rabbit was badly hurt, but Sarah quickly took out a spray can and sprays it.

Suddenly, the rabbit got up and gave them a wave. They watched as it hopped off, still waving its paws.

Steve looked at the spray can. It said, “Hairspray restores life to dead hair and adds permanent wave.”

[Doc Dan]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloomin'well pouring with rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
"God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

[Doc Dan]

A man who was recently married, flew to Townsville, north Queensland, for a business trip.

His new bride was to accompany him the next day.

When he arrived, he emailed his wife to let her know he had made it safely, but he mistyped the email address.

In Boston, a grieving widow, whose husband had recently passed away, received the email. She read it, screamed and fainted.

Hearing her grandmother’s cry, the widow’s 18-year-old granddaughter ran into the living room to see the computer on, with a message that read:

“Dear love, I just got here. Preparing for your arrival tomorrow. Can’t wait to see you. Love, Me. P.S. Sure is hot down here.”

[Doc Dan]

[ykspydiefan]

Two Mule Team blades are feeling rather frisky, strutting around blank, no scales, no cord wrap, no nothing. One Mule turns to the other and asks, "What happened to that snappy blue set of scales you were wearing last week?" His Mule buddy replies, "I'm over those."

I like my Halpern scales. If any one is specifically asking me for an opinion... They are made this way so when every home game Mule Teamer sets their first set of Halpern scales down and traces them to make there own scales... Well, then your scales turn out to be just about perfect.

[Doc Dan]

IMG_20230602_200124739_BURST001proud.jpg


Two Mule Team blades are feeling rather frisky, strutting around blank, no scales, no cord wrap, no nothing. One Mule turns to the other and asks, "What happened to that snappy blue set of scales you were wearing last week?" His Mule buddy replies, "I'm over those."

I like my Halpern scales. If any one is specifically asking me for an opinion... They are made this way so when every home game Mule Teamer sets their first set of Halpern scales down and traces them to make there own scales... Well, then your scales turn out to be just about perfect.

I think you accidentally posted this in the wrong thread.

[Doc Dan]

I've seen a lot of Toyotas.

I never seen a regular Ota.

[Manixguy@1994]

What do you call a boomerang that does not come back ? A stick . MG2

[Doc Dan]

I thought I heard music coming from my printer.

Turns out it was just the paper jammin'.

[Manixguy@1994]

Vikings communications were Norse Code . Dan

[Manixguy@1994]

Why didn’t the Invisible Man go to the dance ? He didn’t have anybody to take . Dan

[max808]

[Doc Dan]

Position Vacant
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

Job Description
Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24-hour shifts on call.

Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

Responsibilities
The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from 0 to 100km/h in 3 seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery-operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

Possibility for advancement and promotion
None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

Previous Experience
None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

Wages and Compensation
Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that tertiary study will help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

Benefits
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you’re lucky.

Happy Father’s Day!

[max808]

Position Vacant
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop
...
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.
...