Family friendly jokes

[Doc Dan]

Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.

Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?

Boy: Yes… grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too… and she’s the best cook and story teller in the whole world!

Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there!

Boy: What problem?!

Dad: She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother!

Boy: Why not?! You married mine!

[Doc Dan]

This one made me laugh.

[Manixguy@1994]

This one made me laugh.

Me too ! Very funny ! Dan

[Half Sack]

[Half Sack]

Who made this?

[Doc Dan]

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess – with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo hoo!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It’s a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a concrete pillar in the club car park.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the **** would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late – it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny ***** to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine, which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the dang barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching 11 straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:

I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little twit) will choose a gift for me that is fun – like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!

[Doc Dan]

Getting older!

Q: My wife is going through menopause. What can I do?

A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement or shed; when you’re done you’ll have a place to live.

Q: How can I increase the heart rate of my 60+ year old husband?

A: Tell him you’re pregnant.

Q: Where can men or women over the age of 60 find young, sexy members of the opposite sex who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore, under fiction.

Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?

A: The next time you’re in front of a mirror, make sure you’re not wearing your glasses.

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not the problem, retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually only in the afternoon.

Q: Where do 60+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?

A: Their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?

A: “Hey! I remember these!”

Q: What is a 60+ year old’s most frequent thought when going from one room to another?

A: “What did I come here for?”

Q: What is the most effective form of birth control for people 60 and over?

A: Nudity

[Bloke]

The Dali Lama walked into a Pizza Shop and asked, “Can you make me one with everything?”

[Doc Dan]

The Dali Lama walked into a Pizza Shop and asked, “Can you make me one with everything?”

Hahaha! Good one!

[Doc Dan]

Yesterday my daughter emailed me again, asking why I didn’t do something useful with my time.

“Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked.

Her talking about my “doing-something-useful” seems to be her favourite topic of conversation.

She was “only thinking of me”, she said and suggested that I go down to the RSL and hang out with the gals.​

I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.

I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She replied, “Are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you’re going to start jumping out of aeroplanes?”

I told her that I even got a membership card and emailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me and yelled, “Good grief, Mum, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a prostitute club, not a parachute club”.

“Oh man, I’m in trouble again,” I said, “I really don’t know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!”

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.

Life as a senior is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be ever so much fun.

[Bloke]

The Dali Lama walked into a Pizza Shop and asked, “Can you make me one with everything?”

Hahaha! Good one!

Hey Doc, check this out. Ah, hahaha, ah, hahaha, ah, hahaha!

https://youtu.be/GogjFO8GNEo

[Doc Dan]

The Dali Lama walked into a Pizza Shop and asked, “Can you make me one with everything?”

Hahaha! Good one!

Hey Doc, check this out. Ah, hahaha, ah, hahaha, ah, hahaha!

https://youtu.be/GogjFO8GNEo

Hahahaha! How idiotically embarrassing!

[Doc Dan]

[Doc Dan]

400 passengers but only 200 meals were loaded onto a flight from Delhi to New York City (long)
It was only discovered after take off, when the flight attendants started going through their preparations for the meals. So, the airline had bungled, and the crew was in a fix. However, one smart flight attendant had an idea.

A couple of hours into the flight she nervously announced, 'Ladies and gentleman; we don't know how this happened, but we have over 400 people on board, but only 200 dinners. Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal to someone else, will receive unlimited free liquor for the duration of the flight!'

Her next announcement came six hours later.

'Ladies and gentlemen, if anyone wants to change their mind, we still have 180 dinners available'.

Moral of the story: People who like to drink, have very kind hearts.

[Doc Dan]

This 4th of July, remember: Alcohol and Fireworks do NOT mix!

Spilling even a little beer on a fuse can ruin fireworks.

[Doc Dan]

So I said to Alexa; “Alexa, what do women want?”

The thing hasn’t shut up for 7 days!

[Doc Dan]

An older man comes into a restaurant, sits at his usual table, and orders the usual matzoh ball soup.

The waiter sets it down in front of him and stands back to watch him enjoy it. But the man just sits there.

“Is there something wrong?” the waiter asks.

“I can’t eat this soup,” the man replies.

“Is it too hot?” the waiter asks. “No.” “Too cold?” “No.” “Too salty?” “No.”

The waiter calls for the maitre d’, and for the chef, and each goes through the same routine: “Too hot?” “Too cold?” “No, no no.”

The man tried to work out what was the huge problem that was stopping the man from eating his soup when finally the chief, at his wit’s end, says, “Sir, I will taste the soup myself. Where is the spoon?”

“A-ha! That would be the problem!” Says the man.

[Doc Dan]

Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old man. “You always feel like you have to go to the toilet and most of the time you stand there nothing comes out”

“Ah, that’s nothin,” said the 70-year-old. “When you’re seventy, you don’t have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin’ comes out!”

“Actually,” said the 80-year -old, “Eighty is the worst age of all”

“Do you have trouble going to the toilet, too?” asked the 60-year-old.

“No, I go every morning at 6:00. I go like a racehorse; no problem at all”

“So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?”

“No, I have one every morning at 6:30”

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, “You go to the toilet every morning at 6:00 and again every morning at 6:30. So what’s so bad about being 80?”

“I don’t wake up until 7:00”

[Doc Dan]

Studies show that cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them.

It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.

[Doc Dan]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a car when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey doc, want to take a look at this?”
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
“So doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7 million when you and I are doing basically the same work?”
The cardiologist paused, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic…
“Try doing it with the engine running”.