Family friendly jokes

[Doc Dan]

I can relate to this one!!

A husband and wife wake up one morning. The husband leans over to kiss his wife on the cheek.

“Don’t touch me, I’m dead,” his wife said.

”What on earth are you talking about,” he said, “We’re both lying here talking”.

The wife replies, “I know, but I’m definitely dead”.

“You can’t be dead… what in the world makes you think you are dead?”

His wife replies, “I must be dead. I woke up this morning and nothing hurts!”

[Doc Dan]

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. 'What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!', he said to himself.

As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.

At that instant the atheist cried out: 'Oh my God!...'

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying:

'You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light.

'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?'

'Very well, 'said the voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: 'Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen.'

[Manixguy@1994]

[Doc Dan]

A man bought a Royal Enfield Bullet 500cc motorcycle so he could take his girlfriend on long drives.

Unfortunately, he was unable to hear his girlfriend when she was talking to him due to the loud noise of the motorcycle. He sold the Royal Enfield Bullet and bought a Honda car, instead.

He and his girlfriend got married and...

Two years later he sold the Honda car and bought a Royal Enfield Bullet 500cc motorcycle.

[Manixguy@1994]

A man bought a Royal Enfield Bullet 500cc motorcycle so he could take his girlfriend on long drives.

Unfortunately, he was unable to hear his girlfriend when she was talking to him due to the loud noise of the motorcycle. He sold the Royal Enfield Bullet and bought a Honda car, instead.

He and his girlfriend got married and...

Two years later he sold the Honda car and bought a Royal Enfield Bullet 500cc motorcycle.

That is a good one ! Like it . MG2

[Manixguy@1994]

[Evil D]

I live my life by 3 unwritten rules:

1.

2.

3.

[Manixguy@1994]

I live my life by 3 unwritten rules:

1.

2.

3.

Now that is funny ! Made me smile !

[Doc Dan]

[Doc Dan]

I'm reading a book called "Quick Money For Dummies" by Robin Banks.

[Bloke]

Good on you fellas. I always get a chuckle here.

Wish I had some clean jokes to contribute.

[Bolster]

First time I looked into this thread. Hilarious! I'll be back to read more for sure. If nobody has contributed this gem from Emo Philips yet:

When I was a little boy, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised, the Lord, in his wisdom, doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

[Doc Dan]

Hahaha! Good one!

[Manixguy@1994]

[Manixguy@1994]

[Manixguy@1994]

[TkoK83Spy]

Soon to be 10 year old step daughter and I were playing Oculus (virtual reality) mini golf the other night. I was at home and she was at her fathers (who also has one) and her and I were playing a mini golf game against each other. You can link up with friends and talk to one another while playing.

We're playing and I miss a pretty easy putt. She laughs and tells me I suck haha. Next hole I take another bad swing...next thing I know I hear her say "DING DING DING" and I asked her why she said that. She says "that's the sound of the elevator to bring you to my level"

I was speechless, burned by a child and had nothing to come back with!

[Manixguy@1994]

Soon to be 10 year old step daughter and I were playing Oculus (virtual reality) mini golf the other night. I was at home and she was at her fathers (who also has one) and her and I were playing a mini golf game against each other. You can link up with friends and talk to one another while playing.

We're playing and I miss a pretty easy putt. She laughs and tells me I suck haha. Next hole I take another bad swing...next thing I know I hear her say "DING DING DING" and I asked her why she said that. She says "that's the sound of the elevator to bring you to my level"

I was speechless, burned by a child and had nothing to come back with!

That’s the best policy! I have a granddaughter story but this is family friendly . Very funny !

[Manixguy@1994]

[Bloke]

Beloved wife said I couldn’t make a bike out of spaghetti…

You should have seen her face when I rode pasta.