Family friendly jokes

If your topic has nothing to do with Spyderco, you can post it here.
User avatar
z4vdBt
Member
Posts: 934
Joined: Fri Sep 12, 2014 9:42 pm
Location: U.S.A. Earth

Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby z4vdBt » Wed Mar 24, 2021 7:45 am

Apparently the government has several models to forecast how the flu season / pandemic will play out. They should use scientists instead - they're not as pretty but they know a lot more.

User avatar
Doc Dan
Member
Posts: 10752
Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:25 am
Location: In a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity.

Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Sat Mar 27, 2021 12:39 am

While on a road trip, an older couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed the trip.

The older woman left her glasses on the table, and she didn’t miss them until they had been driving for about 40 minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the older man became the classic grumpy old man.

He fussed and complained to his wife during the whole return drive.

He became so agitated at having to turn around that the journey became uncomfortable.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the husband called out to her,

“While you’re in there, would you mind getting my hat and the credit card.”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)


https://www.facebook.com/fallplanet Author page

Telegram Channel: https://t.me/dandocthomas

NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050

User avatar
Doc Dan
Member
Posts: 10752
Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:25 am
Location: In a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity.

Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Sun Mar 28, 2021 10:52 pm

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door.

He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch.

He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

A year later, there’s another knock at the door. He opens it and sees the same snail.

The snail says, “What was that all about?”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)


https://www.facebook.com/fallplanet Author page

Telegram Channel: https://t.me/dandocthomas

NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050

User avatar
Doc Dan
Member
Posts: 10752
Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:25 am
Location: In a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity.

Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Tue Mar 30, 2021 11:31 pm

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second an accountant, the third a chemist and the fourth was a civil servant.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog, “T-Square, do your stuff.”

T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. However, the accountant said his dog could do better. He called to his dog, “Slide Rule, do your stuff.”

Slide Rule went into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

The chemist said his dog could top both of the other dogs. He called out, “Measure, do your stuff.”

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out the carton of milk, got a 20ml glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 18ml without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the civil servant and asked what his dog could do.

The civil servant called to his dog, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.”

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper and peed on the paws of the other three dogs. He then claimed he’d injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for compensation and went home on sick leave.

Everyone had to agree he was the smartest dog!
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)


https://www.facebook.com/fallplanet Author page

Telegram Channel: https://t.me/dandocthomas

NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050

User avatar
Doc Dan
Member
Posts: 10752
Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:25 am
Location: In a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity.

Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Sun Apr 04, 2021 12:35 am

During a recent physical examination, Jim’s doctor asked him about his physical activity level.

He described a typical day. “Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five-hour walk about 10 kilometres through some pretty rough terrain.

“I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles.

“I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I narrowly avoided standing on a snake.

“I climbed several rocky hills. I had to stop several times to relieve myself behind some big trees.

“The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end, I drank eight beers.”

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, “You must be one heck of an outdoors man!”

“No,” Jim replied. “I’m just a really bad golfer.”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)


https://www.facebook.com/fallplanet Author page

Telegram Channel: https://t.me/dandocthomas

NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050

User avatar
z4vdBt
Member
Posts: 934
Joined: Fri Sep 12, 2014 9:42 pm
Location: U.S.A. Earth

Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby z4vdBt » Sun Apr 04, 2021 6:08 am

lol

User avatar
Doc Dan
Member
Posts: 10752
Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:25 am
Location: In a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity.

Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Tue Apr 06, 2021 10:32 pm

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client. "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between 15 to 20 million dollars ... and I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)


https://www.facebook.com/fallplanet Author page

Telegram Channel: https://t.me/dandocthomas

NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050

User avatar
z4vdBt
Member
Posts: 934
Joined: Fri Sep 12, 2014 9:42 pm
Location: U.S.A. Earth

Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby z4vdBt » Thu Apr 08, 2021 11:54 am

How many ears did Davy Crockett have?

Three. A right ear, a left ear, and a wild front ear.

The Meat man
Member
Posts: 4963
Joined: Wed Jan 03, 2018 8:01 pm
Location: Missouri, USA

Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby The Meat man » Thu Apr 08, 2021 4:26 pm

z4vdBt wrote:
Thu Apr 08, 2021 11:54 am
How many ears did Davy Crockett have?

Three. A right ear, a left ear, and a wild front ear.
Lol :D
- Connor

"What is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?"

User avatar
z4vdBt
Member
Posts: 934
Joined: Fri Sep 12, 2014 9:42 pm
Location: U.S.A. Earth

Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby z4vdBt » Sat Apr 10, 2021 5:33 am

Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says - How do you drive this thing?

Two soldiers are in a tank, one turns to the other and says, BLUGHGLGHGBGBHB.

User avatar
z4vdBt
Member
Posts: 934
Joined: Fri Sep 12, 2014 9:42 pm
Location: U.S.A. Earth

Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby z4vdBt » Sat Apr 10, 2021 8:15 am

What kind of ears do trains have?

Engine ears.

User avatar
Doc Dan
Member
Posts: 10752
Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:25 am
Location: In a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity.

Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Sat Apr 10, 2021 8:16 pm

There once was this town that was known for it's flowers. There were three florists who would make the best flower arrangements people had ever seen, and the town received many awards for them. The three florists enjoyed the competition, and didn't resent each other.
One day, a friar moved into the town and started his own flower shop. He made cheap bouquets and undercut the other florists. They soon started losing customers and money. The three original florists got together and decided to hire an assassin to kill the friar. They found one name Hugh, and he agreed to kill the friar.
Hugh killed him, and the three florists got there customers back, and were happy. Which just goes to show,
Only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.



(For non-Americans: "Only you can prevent forest fires" was a commercial featuring Smokey Bear)
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)


https://www.facebook.com/fallplanet Author page

Telegram Channel: https://t.me/dandocthomas

NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050

User avatar
paladin
Member
Posts: 1910
Joined: Sun Feb 27, 2011 5:51 pm
Location: Hotel Carlton-San Francisco

Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby paladin » Sat Apr 10, 2021 11:59 pm

What do Starbucks employees wear to protect their customers from Covid19?

Coughy Filters :rolleyes:
What is truth? Pontius Pilate

User avatar
z4vdBt
Member
Posts: 934
Joined: Fri Sep 12, 2014 9:42 pm
Location: U.S.A. Earth

Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby z4vdBt » Sun Apr 11, 2021 6:15 am

___
Last edited by z4vdBt on Wed Apr 14, 2021 5:48 am, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
Doc Dan
Member
Posts: 10752
Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:25 am
Location: In a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity.

Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Tue Apr 13, 2021 8:35 am

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. The man watched the game in astonishment for a while.

“I can hardly believe my eyes!” he said. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.”

“He’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)


https://www.facebook.com/fallplanet Author page

Telegram Channel: https://t.me/dandocthomas

NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050

User avatar
Doc Dan
Member
Posts: 10752
Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:25 am
Location: In a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity.

Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Wed Apr 14, 2021 11:45 pm

I think I posted this one before, but it is too funny not to have a laugh at it again.

RETIRED HUSBAND
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,
from the local Wal-Mart
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'.
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
One of the clerks passed out.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)


https://www.facebook.com/fallplanet Author page

Telegram Channel: https://t.me/dandocthomas

NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050

User avatar
ThomC
Member
Posts: 368
Joined: Fri Nov 01, 2019 3:01 pm
Location: France

Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby ThomC » Thu Apr 15, 2021 3:07 am

Doc Dan wrote:
Wed Apr 14, 2021 11:45 pm
I think I posted this one before, but it is too funny not to have a laugh at it again.

RETIRED HUSBAND
Heavens, this one's too good to pass !
I won't say I've never done at least a couple of these :D
European amateur knife enthusiast
Hikes and outdoors galore

In the knoife box : M4 Millie, Spydiechef, TOPS Tanimboca
In the future : CE/SE/Rex45/MagnaCut Millie, K2, Slysz Bowie

User avatar
z4vdBt
Member
Posts: 934
Joined: Fri Sep 12, 2014 9:42 pm
Location: U.S.A. Earth

Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby z4vdBt » Thu Apr 15, 2021 4:47 am

A guy pulls up to a red light and notices three city workers in yellow vests working in the median. Two guys with shovels quickly dig a hole 2 ft deep and a foot across. A third guy follows right behind them and fills the hole back in, tamping down the dirt. They dig about three holes while he's waiting for the light to change.

He rolls down his window - Excuse me, but I can help noticing you two digging holes, while that other fella fills them in behind you. What's the deal?

It's Jerry. He usually plants the trees, but he called in sick today.

User avatar
Doc Dan
Member
Posts: 10752
Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:25 am
Location: In a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity.

Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby Doc Dan » Thu Apr 15, 2021 8:35 am

When honeybees are traveling where do they make a bathroom stop for the kids?

The BP station.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)


https://www.facebook.com/fallplanet Author page

Telegram Channel: https://t.me/dandocthomas

NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050

The Meat man
Member
Posts: 4963
Joined: Wed Jan 03, 2018 8:01 pm
Location: Missouri, USA

Re: Family friendly jokes

Postby The Meat man » Thu Apr 15, 2021 11:37 am

Doc Dan wrote:
Thu Apr 15, 2021 8:35 am
When honeybees are traveling where do they make a bathroom stop for the kids?

The BP station.
Ha ha! :D
- Connor

"What is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?"


Return to “Off-Topic”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Bing [Bot] and 8 guests