OT: If Men Ruled the World

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java
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OT: If Men Ruled the World

#1

Post by java »

Got a chuckle when I read this so I hijacked it from the BF Whine and Cheese forum. Enjoy!



If Men Really Did Rule the World ... 25 Rules

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the rear and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.



2. Birth control would come in ale or lager. (and would be free-HN)



3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.



4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.



5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.



6. Garbage would take itself out.



7. Regis and Kathy Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.



8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle."



9. Instead of "beer-belly," you'd get "beer-biceps."



10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.



11. Two words... "Ally McNaked."



12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:

Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"

You: "All I know is that I was spilling my beer all over the place when your dumb *ss pulled me over."

Cop :"Nice one, That's $10.00 off."



13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.



14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.



15. Every man would get four REAL Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.



16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.



17. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.



18. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.



19. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".



20. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.



21. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you."



22. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.



23. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night," would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.



24. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.



25. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

























"A hole-less knife is a soul-less knife is a whole less knife" Neo-Javanese proverb
sam the man..
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#2

Post by sam the man.. »

*hee-hee!* Good one dude! <img src="spyder.gif" width=15 height=15 align=middle border=0><img src="smile.gif" width=15 height=15 align=middle border=0><img src="spyder.gif" width=15 height=15 align=middle border=0>

Sam

have bone implant will travel..
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dialex
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#3

Post by dialex »

Sweeeet. I could use some of those rules right now, BTW. Java, I always enjoyed your postings. Thanks <img src="smile.gif" width=15 height=15 align=middle border=0>
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#4

Post by voxnaes »

If men ruled the world...what do you meen by if...?! Men do rule the....
...What honey?..
Yes honey..
Will do honey...
-Where was I..Ehhhhh..
Well gues we don´t!<img src="tongue.gif" width=15 height=15 align=middle border=0><img src="wink.gif" width=15 height=15 align=middle border=0>
Vox.


Repeat the mantra - "Spydie is good, Round is all - Life is Round, Life is Good, Spydie is Life is Round is LIfe. Round and Round, and Round forever." (Chuck.)

Edited by - voxnaes on 10/24/2002 7:31:12 AM
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#5

Post by jaxon »

Java,

Excellent as always. Thanks.<img src="smile.gif" width=15 height=15 align=middle border=0>

Jaxon

Weekend yet?
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#6

Post by SpyderNut »

Very well done, Lord Java! <img src="wink.gif" width=15 height=15 align=middle border=0>

It would be really sweet if that concept were really true. Ah, the joy of it...

Take care!

Mike
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#7

Post by Big-Target »

Plus, Iraq would be glowing in the dark now!!!

BIG-TARGET>>>>>"Time is an illusion. Lunch time doubly so!!!"-Ford Prefect(The Hitchiker's Guide To The Galaxy)
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#8

Post by AllenETreat »

Gimme #7 ; except cement "shoes" for those two & the East River <img src="wink.gif" width=15 height=15 align=middle border=0>

ATE <img src="wink.gif" width=15 height=15 align=middle border=0>

"A morning without java is like a morning without sunshine" <img src="wink.gif" width=15 height=15 align=middle border=0>
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#9

Post by java »

ROTFLMAO!!!

ATE, you Silver-Tongued devil, where ya been?! How's everything down in the Sunshine State?? Love your signature! <img src="smile.gif" width=15 height=15 align=middle border=0> <img src="smile.gif" width=15 height=15 align=middle border=0>

"A hole-less knife is a soul-less knife is a whole less knife" Neo-Javanese proverb
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#10

Post by dzscubie »

Oh man Java,

Do you have any idea what Linda is going to be like when she reads this. OH man I'm heading for the mountains, send up a green flare when its safe to come down

Shawn
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#11

Post by cmassicotte »

ATE - sorry, but I like the "image" of the cement mixer - with 'attachments" <img src="smile.gif" width=15 height=15 align=middle border=0><img src="spyder.gif" width=15 height=15 align=middle border=0><img src="smile.gif" width=15 height=15 align=middle border=0>

Shawn - ya tryin to tell us that there is sumpin sharper than a Spydie hangin around the ole homestead? Which is why you won't be? Hangin around that is <img src="spyder.gif" width=15 height=15 align=middle border=0><img src="smile.gif" width=15 height=15 align=middle border=0><img src="spyder.gif" width=15 height=15 align=middle border=0>
Chuck

There is no right way to do a wrong thing
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#12

Post by jaxon »

Shawn,

Didn't think of that. Linda, (ladies) be kind, and gentle. We just wish<img src="wink.gif" width=15 height=15 align=middle border=0>.

Jaxon
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#13

Post by glasshartt »

Chuck,

The sharp thing around here certainly isn't his brain. My kitchen spydies are pretty darn sharp. You might want to be calling Shawn by the anglicized version of his name "John", as in John Wayne Bobbit. Java, it's all your fault. He was too slow. <img src="wink.gif" width=15 height=15 align=middle border=0>

Linda
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java
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#14

Post by java »

Linda,

Who?? Me?? I'm innocent! This was all in fun! <img src="smile.gif" width=15 height=15 align=middle border=0> But, we need to know if Shawn's okay now.... please put the Spydies down and let Shawn have the keyboard for a moment. I'll see if I can locate a little something and help us men get on the right track.....deal??

Shawn, old buddy, Mrs Java took away all the flares after reading this. So no matter what you hear from the fairer sex for now, IT'S NOT SAFE!! Check six and try and hold the high ground. I'll see if I can try and sooth the ruffled feathers on another post! <img src="wink.gif" width=15 height=15 align=middle border=0>



"A hole-less knife is a soul-less knife is a whole less knife" Neo-Javanese proverb
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#15

Post by dzscubie »

Java,

Man I headed for the high ground and ran into Linda near the front door. Dodge left and just missed the swing of the police model, dodge left again and around the coat rack and almost impaled my self on a back swing of a Endura II... broke right thru the kitchen with a shower of spydie kitchen cutters (man major wrong turn into the wrong room of the house).. thru the addition with Linda hot on my heals with a civilian in one hand and her trusty pink cricket in the other.. quick leap over the recliner and out the back door.. whooo hooo home free. **** I really need those green flares.
Think I'll hide out at the DZ for a while.

Shawn
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#16

Post by ~SlingBlade~ »

Java, You're gonna get cut off for that one!
No pun intended. lol

GOT CRICKET'S?
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#17

Post by java »

SlingBlade,

Welcome to the Forum! Now cut left, quick - yer blockin' Shawn's retreat! Got Crickets!??? Well, **** yes! This here is Tejas, We all got Crickets!

Shawn,

The Angels just killed my Giants and Mrs Java hit me with "The Rules" (again) and asked me to think long and hard about the following question:

If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?

She's standing here with her pink Delica and somehow got hold of my Fred Perrin FB. I'll try and get back to ya on the QT but till then use this bit of wisdom to help smooth things over:

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked.
Bring Beer.

Sorry, that last one just kinda slipped in there!


"A hole-less knife is a soul-less knife is a whole less knife" Neo-Javanese proverb
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#18

Post by dzscubie »

Java,
I would take your advise but I'm too busy hunting bugs and trying to snare a rabbit to eat, it gets dark and cold out here on the high desert.... maybe if I sing a love song to her under the window she might let me back in???

Shawn
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java
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#19

Post by java »

Shawn,

It's worth a shot. Hope you can carry a tune better'n I. Oh yeah, pick something other than Bryan Adams "Cuts Like a Knife".

Good luck my sharp edged brother. Gotta go wrestle with the dog over who gets the tick mat tonight.....




"A hole-less knife is a soul-less knife is a whole less knife" Neo-Javanese proverb
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