Semi-OT: I'm worried...

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liko
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Semi-OT: I'm worried...

Postby liko » Sat Apr 20, 2002 12:00 am

Had a close encounter today. One of the girls at my work has a boyfriend who is, by all accounts, a total @$$hole, completely possessive of her, and possibly abusive. She's been trying to get away from him, but any of you who know the score know that's hard to do.



Both myself and another friend of hers are looking out for her, and we're in somewhat of a friendly competition over who's going to be next.



Well, the boyfriend showed up after the shift ended today and started asking about her and the other friend, who had left together after one of the late night shifts a day or two ago. His questions led him to me, where he asked about her other friend. I was honest, that I knew which dorm he lived in (same as mine), but not which room or even which floor, or anything else specific. He seemed satisfied with that. As he turned away, I took my hand off the knife clipped in my work apron. I was so sure he'd try to start something.



This guy doesn't know that I'm as much a friend as the guy he was looking for. However, he's likely to find out. I'm not worried about me, more about her and her other friend. The girl has a child, for crying out loud.



I guess what I'm asking is, was there something more I could have done? Should I have refused to answer his questions and asked him to leave? If the guy was on the hunt, he was probably prepared to start a fight he was sure he could win, meaning he was strapped with a knife or gun. I'm worried that the girl or someone close to her is going to wind up in the hospital, or worse, before this guy is finished. I'm worried that the girl won't show up for her shift tomorrow.



Thanks for the ears. I just want to know if there's anything more I could have done, or anything I should do if I run into this guy again.



Wise man say, forgiveness is divine. Remember that when your <img src="http://www.spyderco.com/forum/spyder.gif" border=0> bites you!

sam the man..
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Postby sam the man.. » Sat Apr 20, 2002 8:29 pm

Take care and stay sharp dude! <img src="spyder.gif" width=15 height=15 align=middle border=0><img src="wink.gif" width=15 height=15 align=middle border=0><img src="spyder.gif" width=15 height=15 align=middle border=0>

Sam

have surgical scars will travel..

Dav
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Postby Dav » Sat Apr 20, 2002 8:45 pm

Word of warning - pulling your spydie on him - even if the guy is attacking you - doesn't seem like the best of choices. It might scare him away for a while or it might land you in jail. Your choice to make though.

Stay sane.

Dav

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J Smith
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Postby J Smith » Sat Apr 20, 2002 9:25 pm

I had something like that happen a few years ago to a girl I worked with.She had broken up with a boy and he went a little carzy.He would show up an hour or two before we got off.Park on the other side of the street form the work place and sit and stare.After a few days I told her I was worried about her because from there he was following her almost all the way home.So one day he showed up at 1:30 pm and sat and stared with out moveing until quiting time 5.30 pm.So being very worried(just had that feeling that he was going to do something)I went to talk to him.Walked up to the car he never even looked at me tapped on the glass to get him to roll it down he finally did and I told him that this was not normal she did not want to see him again and if he came anywhere around her again she would press charges for stalking and that would stay on his record for 10 yrs.It worked he stayed away.Guess he came to his sences when someone told him what he was doing.

}{ Jeff }{

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Big-Target
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Postby Big-Target » Sat Apr 20, 2002 9:46 pm

If push comes to shove, NEVER START A FIGHT!!!

Just make sure you finish it!!!!!<img src="wink.gif" width=15 height=15 align=middle border=0>

BIG-TARGET>>>>"Do not think you are,,,,,,,Know you are!!!"--Morpheus(The Matrix)

Raden
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Postby Raden » Sat Apr 20, 2002 10:39 pm

Here is what I would do, as a LEO.

Ask the manager to tell him he is not allowed on the property. Once that is done if he shows up call the police and they'll take him for criminal trespassing. You mentioned "Dorm" I take it this is a school, if he shows up call security and they can ban him from campus and again if he shows back up they can charge him with criminal trespass. You can also speak to the girl about filing a order of protection.

If you think it's coming to blows. My policy is. I will not be struck first, if I think someone is about to attack I put them in the dirt. Self defense doesn't mean you have to be hit first. You just have to believe you are in harm's way. Leave the knife in the pocket unless you feel your life is in danger and it's a last resort.

A rule of thumb for me at least:

He who strikes first wins! at least 90% of the time.
<img src=http://www.spyderco.com/forum/spyder.gif>Size Matters<img src=http://www.spyderco.com/forum/spyder.gif><img src=http://us.f1.yahoofs.com/users/372fcedb ... 8A88UxWudf>

Edited by - Raden on 4/20/2002 10:40:49 PM

Xibalba
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Postby Xibalba » Sun Apr 21, 2002 7:45 am

Sounds like an awfully scary situation.

I think you did the right thing by not drawing your knife...would've gotten you into more trouble than it was worth.

I would be worried, however, about your female freind. Most domestic violence (DV) perpetrators will not enact violence on others, they tend to save that for their partners. You may want to ask your friend if she is in need of shelter or counseling, most DV shelters will offer both. If she needs it ,you may want to offer to provide transportation to the local shelter or police station.

The best thing you can do for her is to offer support no matter what decisions she decides to make...DV survivors already have enough control taken from them by their partners.

Good Luck, and stay safe.

"'The best de-fense is a good o-ffense.' You know who said that? Mel, the cook from 'Alice'!" - Ed Gruberman

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Big-Target
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Postby Big-Target » Sun Apr 21, 2002 8:40 am

Does this @$$hole have and close friends/relatives hight up in the police ranks??? If he does, YOU BETTER BE CAREFUL!!!!!
In NJ, alot of DV's have friends and brothers in the local PD. So they know they can get away with it!!

BIG-TARGET>>>>"Do not think you are,,,,,,,Know you are!!!"--Morpheus(The Matrix)

Edited by - Big-Target on 4/21/2002 8:42:16 AM

judge
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Postby judge » Sun Apr 21, 2002 12:05 pm

I think it went well, liko. No one got hurt, not even a brawl.
Some good advice given on getting the cops to know the situation; I´d do that so in case something goes wrong and the problem ends up in court you can show that you reported to the police first (stalking, trespass, whatever), making you the law-abiding, concerned citizen and the other the bad guy (which he probably is).
If you want to help the girl, if she allows teach her what to do in case the other guy gets violent, or get her someone who teaches her. No nonsense, simple, effective moves (including OC; knives/guns only if she´s got time and mindset to train with them) for the physical, and most important the right mindset for survival. Not an easy task, but worthwhile. If you want more specific input on that, post in the MBC forum (OT here I suppose).
A tactical remark: Drawing a knife and using it means lethal force, so it´s only justified when you are in immediate danger of death or graveous injury. Even if the other guy is armed (which I, just as you, would assume unless positively proven wrong), if you draw first, you escalated to lethal force. This could lead to a difficult situation should you end up in court.
One key to judging weapons employment: Watch the other guy´s hands. If one or both hands/palms are not clearly visible, this CAN mean serious trouble (knife, screwdriver, boxcutter, gun, OC etc).
Difficult topic worth at least a hundred pages of discussion.

glasshartt
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Postby glasshartt » Wed Apr 24, 2002 11:05 pm

Liko,

Both Raden and Judge are giving you very good information. The next time that the jerk is watching your workplace, contact your locka law enforcement. Advise them of the situation and of any previous threats, do the same with the campus police. If your co-worker can, and will, file for a Temporary Restraining Order, try to convince her to do it. If not for herseld, for her child. The big question, is he the father of her child? There may be other options if he is. Take care and be safe.

Linda

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