OT: tell your favourite joke

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silverback
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OT: tell your favourite joke

#1

Post by silverback »

O.K., so there's this jungle pilot in the Amazonas and one day his plane's engine dies while he's flying over the deepest jungle.

Just when he thinks "I'm in deep trouble" he hears a voice in his head:"No, you're not, look to your left! There's a clearing!"

Indeed there is and he just manages to put his plane down safely.

While he gets out, a tribe of fierce-looking natives with spears emerge from the jungle and surround him.

Just when he thinks "Now I'm in deep ****!" the voice in his head says "No, you're not! Run over to that fat guy with the fancy feathers in his hair. He's their chief, kill him!"

So he runs to the chief, and before the natives have time to react, he takes the guy's spear away and kills him with it.

"And now?", he thinks.



"NOW you're in deep ****."



Few people think more than two or three times a year; I have made an international reputation for myself by thinking once or twice a week. -George Bernard Shaw
Kaizer
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#2

Post by Kaizer »

Hi Silverback!

Nice thread. Here's mine

A man goes into a bar carrying a peice of tarmac under his arm. "A pint for me," he says to the barman "and (pointing to the tarmac) one for the road!"

OBTW: Not yet had time to play that Game of Go <img src="sad.gif" width=15 height=15 align=middle border=0> would do it sometime.

Take care and have a nice day,
Kaizer.

A door half open is a door half closed. But a knife half open is a knife fully closed.
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J Smith
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#3

Post by J Smith »

What did Cindarella say when she got to the ball...
aakkkk,hhaacc,kkkuu,kkkuu,gakk,gakk.
Better face to face so you can hear the gaging sounds.

<img src=http://techhelpers.net/e4u/drink/trink36.gif
gud4u
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#4

Post by gud4u »

Hear about the hooker of mixed French and Chinese ancestry?

She liked to suck laundry.
Sword and Shield
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#5

Post by Sword and Shield »

This actually happened, but it's still a good story.<img src="smile.gif" width=15 height=15 align=middle border=0>

You see, I grew up in coal and steel country. Now, the thing was, in the mills, they used a lot of sawdust to pack fresh bar steel in, as it dissipates heat well. Wet it, and go. One thing the mill did, which was kind of cool, is guys could take a wheelbarrow full of sawdust home every day, if they wanted it. Guys put it in their garages to soak up oil, mixed it with glue for particle board, all sorts of stuff.

Now, old Jerry Shriver was a great guy. You would have liked him if you knew him. He took his barrow full every day, which was unusual. After a while, the mill cop thought he was stealing something, and would sift the sawdust before he left. Every day, Jerry wheeled his barrow full of sawdust out, every day, it was checked, and every day, it was clean.

After about 30 years of working the mill, Jerry retired. Before he left, the guard pulled him over. He said "Jerry, I know you've been stealing something all these years, but I couldn't find it. What the blue **** was it?"

Jerry looked him dead in the eye, and said "Wheelbarrows." <img src="smile.gif" width=15 height=15 align=middle border=0>

The Man's Prayer- I am a man. But I can change. If I have to. I guess...
Blades
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#6

Post by Blades »

This isn't my favorite, but I liked it.

Knock, Knock
Who's there??
Michael Jackson
Michael Jackson who??






Your on the jury!



Blades
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java
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#7

Post by java »

Good ones!

Wish I could contribute but alas, Java has no sense of humor......<img src="sad.gif" width=15 height=15 align=middle border=0>

J
thorin hammer
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#8

Post by thorin hammer »

A grasshopper goes into a bar and hops up on the bar stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey! we have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper replies, "Who would want to name a drink Bob?"

Some laws permit what honor does not. Spyderco Collector #14
Kali
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#9

Post by Kali »

Well, sorry to ruin it, but the only two good jokes I know are not very clean <img src="smile.gif" width=15 height=15 align=middle border=0> so therefore, to keep my rep as a lady, I will not reveal them <img src="smile.gif" width=15 height=15 align=middle border=0>Kali

"Irish Blood, English Heart, This Is What I'm Made Of, There Is No One On Earth I'm Afraid Of, And No Regime Can Buy Or Sell Me."
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ken
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#10

Post by ken »

Man Fishing / Woman Reading

A couple goes to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota for a vacation.
The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors,
and continues to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up along side the woman and says,
"Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?&quot<img src="wink.gif" width=15 height=15 align=middle border=0>
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's very likely that she can also think.

ken
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dialex
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#11

Post by dialex »

So, there's that guy in that toilet at the restaurant making some awfully groans and screams. From a nearby cabin another screamin' voice:
"Hey you! <img src="sad.gif" width=15 height=15 align=middle border=0> Are you consteeepaaated?"
"Yeeeeah <img src="sad.gif" width=15 height=15 align=middle border=0> Grrr! You tooo?"
"Yes. Good luuuck. Ouch!"
Sudently, a big splash hears in one of the cabins.
"You lucky one!" sais the other.
"Lucky one? I just dropped my Chinook in the toilet!" <img src="sad.gif" width=15 height=15 align=middle border=0>

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zeus
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#12

Post by zeus »

After a long night of intimacy, a young guy rolled over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man. The guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?"

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" asked the bewildered guy.

The girl replied,


"That's me before the surgery."

******************************************



Four men go golfing one day. Three of them head to the first tee, and the fourth goes off to use the restroom.
The three men start talking about their sons. The first man says, "My son is a homebuilder. He’s so successful he built a house for his friend, free of charge."

The second man says, "My son owns a big car dealership. He’s doing so well that he gave his friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded."

Not to be outdone, the third man brags, "My son’s a stockbroker. He gave a close buddy and entire portfolio."

The fourth man rejoins the group, and the first man says, "How's your son doing these days?"
"Well, my son is gay, and he go-go dances in bars," the guy replies.
There’s an awkward silence. "I’m not thrilled about his job," the guy continues, "but he must be doing well.

He’s got a new house, a Mercedes, and an impressive stock portfolio!"
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Mancer
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#13

Post by Mancer »

Oh boy here we go.

Ok, there are 3 woman sitting at a bus station, 1 is a blonde, 1 a red head and the last a brunette.

While they waiting a fairy godmother appears and sees the 3, she looks then over and then offers them each a wish.

The blonde jumps up first saying that she wishes she was really really smart, so with a swirl of her wand the fairy godmother turns her into a brunette.
The Brunette then stands up seeing the blonde is now on the same IQ level as her.
She says, ye I want the same thing, make me real smart.
So with another swirl of the wand the godmother turns the Brunette into a Red head.
Lastly the godmother asks the red head what she wants for her wish.
The Red head sits for a while pondering how to outdo the last two, finally she says, I want to be really really smart, I mean I want to be as brilliant as a woman can ever possibly be.

The fairy godmother swirls and swirls her wand round and round and...........

Turns her into a MAN!!!

LOL, well I liked it, the fiance didnt though, ehehe

Cheers

MaNcEr

It's Time To Kick @$$ 'N Chew Bubble Gum
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dialex
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#14

Post by dialex »

So there's this guy coming late at home from work. It was really cold outside, he was frozen and tired, so he fills the bathtub with hot water and lays comfortable in it. Of course, as a knife afficionado, he tooks his Endura (VG-10, PE) <img src="tongue.gif" width=15 height=15 align=middle border=0> and starts playing with it. He relaxes, he is almost asleep, when suddently someone knocks at the door.
The guy jumps out of the water, somehow dizzy, quickly takes a bathrobe on him, clips his Endura at his waist (I guess it was something reflex) and opens the door.
At the door, a neighbour - that starts to laugh when he sees him.
"What's your problem, sais the guy, didn't you see a man in a bathrobe before?"
"No, replies the neighbour, what I didn't see till now is an Endura hanging by a testicle"

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Casiopeia
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#15

Post by Casiopeia »

Yeah Mancer, that joke is as old as the hills and twice as musty...kinda like you hey ? *RUNS* <img src="wink.gif" width=15 height=15 align=middle border=0>

I would tell you my favorite joke but it is something you would have to have an entire three hour discussion on the bizzare workings of me and my kids and then you MIGHT get it.

Have a great day boyz and galz and thanks for the giggles <img src="wink.gif" width=15 height=15 align=middle border=0>

Honesty is the better part of Integrity
zeus
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#16

Post by zeus »

Naval Transcript

This is the transcript of a radio conversation of a
US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of
Newfoundland . Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations .

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the
North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15
degrees to the South to avoid collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say
again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No... I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN,
THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC
FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS,
THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I
DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-
MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY
OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse... your call.

********************************************



This guy comes home and starts packing. His wife asked him where he's going. He said he was going to New Zealand. He heard that women would pay $2 to go to bed with him. All of a sudden his wife starts packing. He said "where you going?" She said "I'm going to see how you are going to live on $4 a month."

******************************************


Beautiful blond city girl traveling through redneck country in her sporty red convertible. Car breaks down late in the evening in the middle of nowhere. Girl goes up to a farmhouse. Farmer opens the door. She says, " My car broke down. It's too late to get it fixed tonight. I just need a place to stay until morning."
The farmer says, "Well, OK. You can stay here. But you stay away from my boys, Clem and Zeb. I don't want you teaching them any of your city ways!"
"OK" she says.
Turns out Zeb and Clem are big strapping hunks, and in the room right next to hers. She just couldn't help herself! She sneaks next door. "Hey boys! Would you like to learn some city ways?"
"Sure would!" they say.
"OK, but you have to wear these condoms. I don't want to get pregnant."

Fourty years later, Zeb and Clem are sitting on the porch. Clem says to Zeb, "Hey Zeb, you remember that city girl came through here fourty years ago?"
"Yep",says Zeb.
"Do you care if she gets prenant?"
"Nope"
"Me neither. Let's take these things off!"

******************************************

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

*****************************************

Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

*******************************************

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "just here to hook up your telephone."






Edited by - zeus on 5/18/2004 1:10:43 PM
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dePaul
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#17

Post by dePaul »

Usually I kill for money but 'cause you're my friend, I kill you for nothing...

Spyderco Collectors Club Member #57
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silverback
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#18

Post by silverback »

zeus:
Funny story, love it, too.
BUT, sadly, it's an urban legend, not fact.
Check out <a href="http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthse ... es.com)</a> for the story.<img src="smile.gif" width=15 height=15 align=middle border=0>

Few people think more than two or three times a year; I have made an international reputation for myself by thinking once or twice a week. -George Bernard Shaw
zeus
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#19

Post by zeus »

silverback

Thanks, I fixed it.
It was an old joke from someone else's hard drive I found.
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